This is probably a topic that has been beaten down so much that I’m almost embarrassed to write about it. But I can’t help it. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they shake hands with you. Whether they intend to let you know or not.  How can that be? How do you know if the person doesn’t have a weak hand or some other medical condition preventing them from doing any other type of handshake other than as though you are shaking hands with a piece of tissue paper? Or maybe the person does not know their own strength (which is why I can’t feel my hand for a few minutes after I shake it with him)? How can you really tell a lot about a person by the way they shake hands with you? Read on and I’ll share some thoughts on that very topic…

A New Director, a New Boss

A number of years back, I was working at a large corporation in a department that supported a number of infrastructure areas. There were so many areas being covered by the group that I often wondered why all this responsibility was being placed under one group and not a few groups. Personally I thought there had to be changes coming because sooner or later something was going to break and when it did, it wouldn’t be pretty. Around the same time, the company was beginning to go through some financial difficulties that caused the rumor mill to begin working overtime. What was a main rumor topic? It was, “I hear there is a potential RIF coming!” (RIF = Reduction in Force or staff). This was enough to make many people become a little uneasy about the future of their positions at the company.

Soon after employees started hearing the buzz about a possible RIF, the vice president in charge of the division I was working in hired a new Director to run many of the organizations including mine. Usually when someone comes into a new position of leadership, they want to make their mark in the company. A way they usually do that is by re-organizing the departments.

My team had an opportunity within the next week or so to meet with the new director. During the meeting he told us that he had no intention of performing any re-organizations of the group I was a part of what-so-ever. He was smiling and sounded sincere. At the end of the meeting, when I went to shake his hand, he held my hand in a way and I almost wasn’t even feeling his hand there. It was almost as though he really didn’t want to shake my hand. More interestingly about the handshake was that as soon as I shook his hand, the feeling that this person was insincere and flat out lying to me was the first thing that flashed across my mind. Personally, I was taken completely off guard to the impression I received from him through his handshake. A sense of fear for my job at the time almost automatically came over me. Don’t know why, but it did. There were so many of us in the group that he actually wound up shaking my hand a second time before we left the room. Again, my feeling after the first handshake was re-enforced. After the meeting, many of the people in the department and I in separate meetings were discussing our impressions about the new director. What came out? How he made them feel as they shook hands with him. They all felt the exact same thing I did.

So what happened at that company later on with this new director? Ten days later I come into work to discover this new director has resigned and accepted a position at another company closer to his home. For a person at that level, a new position doesn’t just come about so quickly. There are numerous interviews that occur before an offer is made let alone a formal acceptance and confirmation. For me, that kind of explained the insincere feeling we all received from his handshake. It was pretty clear that this new director had no intention of staying with my company. He was simply buying his time with a paycheck to cover his immediate expenses until a better deal for him came about and there was already something in the works for him before he started with my company.

Types of Handshakes and What They (May) Say About You

Below are some forms of handshakes and what they often say about a person. Please note though that handshake expectation differs depending upon the culture the exchange is occurring in. With that said, the information below is based upon most Western cultures. Even within Western cultures, specific community groups may have their own views on what is proper and what is not for a handshake (e.g. It’s considered rude and completely unacceptable for a man to offer a handshake to a Hasidic Jewish woman if he is not the woman’s husband).

The Lingering Hand Shake: A standard hand shake with an extra few shakes and holding on for just a few seconds. I find this often happens when old friends meet or with a good bye to someone dear. Among business people, it can give a bit of a chance to communicate positive thoughts. Make sure to only do this with someone you know very well or else it can be taken in a completely wrong way.

The Water Pump: Similar to the lingering hand shake. With a water pump handshake, the person gets a hold of you and then they will pump your arm as if they are attempting to pump water out of an old fashioned faucet. Often, a water pumper will pump your hand anywhere from seven to ten times to even fifteen times before they stop. Once they stop pumping, they usually hold onto your hand until you work it out of their grasp. Usually accomplished by pulling away forcefully.

The Push Off: This is when at the end of the handshake your hand is pushed away. It may be subtle but it could be read as a negative message by the person on the receiving end of the push.

The Pull In: The handshakes results in one pulling the other closer. This often speaks of a controlling body language. How would you feel if someone pulled you closer to them while shaking your hand?

The Superior: If offered first palm down, it indicates superiority. It is the body language of a controlling person.

The Lesser: If offered first, palm up, it could indicate humility and that a person is there to serve.

The Finger Cruncher: Rather than grabbing across the palm, the fingers are grabbed and crushed. Is it sporty to give pain someone else a little pain during a handshake? This one can be painful. The person who does the finger cruncher will say they can’t judge their own strength but if you pay attention, note that they won’t do this while shaking a woman’s hand.

The Bone Cruncher: Much like the finger cruncher, the same vice like grip is around the hand. Enough said. Please see comment to the Finger Cruncher above.

The Palm Pincher: This is usually from a woman, and only a few fingers and thumb grasp the palm for the shake. This is actually the norm for a woman in some cultures. If a man shook your hand this way, it could be taken as being from a person who does not want to shake hands with you. Insincerity can often pop into a person’s head when a man shakes hands this way.

The Twister: This may start off as a normal shake but ends up with one twisting and putting the other on top. Sometimes a person is meaning to show warmth of empathy with this type of handshake, but quite often it’s interpreted to show a person to be of a controlling personality. Especially if it is incorporated with a pull in by the shaking hand prior to the other hand going on top. This type of handshake can also be seen as intrusive, or simply too personal.

The Dead Fish: This is one of my least favorites of all! It’s a cold, unemotional, sometimes wet shaking of hands. It is basically the definition of complete indifference towards the person they are shaking hands with. (Note: There are times when the person giving a “dead fish” type handshake may have a physical aiment giving them an inability to grip a person’s hand any stronger.)

The Left Handed Shake: Those that give a left-handed handshake are seen as at the very least a little strange and at the most as down-right insulting. To some people it’s as bad as spitting in their face. Want to know why? In some cultures, you wipe your backside with your left hand. In many western cultures this is seen as a sign of complete disrespect to the other person so why would you do it in the first place.

There are just a few of the different types of handshakes out there. What are some comments or examples of handshakes that you’ve seen and experienced?

Cheers!

Gil

Related Posts

• An Annual Ritual: The Company Holiday Party (2)
• Hey! Hey! Listen to Me! I Know What I’m Talking About! (4)
• Winning Friends and Influencing People (4)
• A Story of Influence (4)

Differences of opinion matter. Some years ago, the late noble prize winning Doctor Albert Schweitzer was being interviewed in London and a reporter asked him, “Doctor, what’s wrong with men today?” The great doctor was silent a moment and then he said, “Men simply don’t think!” (excerpt from “The Strangest Secret” by Earl Nightingale). Many years later, a news talk show host who is known for his strong political beliefs was asked “Why do you want people to think like you so much?” The talk show host quickly responded that he did not want people to think like him! Far from it! He just wants people to think.  He concluded his answer with the sentence “Without differences of opinion, there can be no intelligent debate.” Oh how true those words!  

What Opinions Have You Shared with Others Recently?

The other day I had the opportunity to attend a panel discussion on the subject of the War of Drugs. Among the panel participants were the local chief of police as well as a retired detective, a local newspaper editor and a couple of highly respected scholars from the Northeast. The main question for the panel was whether the drug policy in place today in the U.S. was working or whether it needed to be changed.  As one could imagine, this was a very hotly debated topic indeed. After the panel gave their views on the subject, the audience was given time to ask the panel their own questions on it. There were microphones on either side of the auditorium for people to come up and ask their question. So what happened next? For the next 45 minutes to an hour, many people came up to the mic not to ask a question but to give their views on the subject. Most people, about 4 out of every 5 without exaggeration, proceeded to give their opinion on the subject and not ask a question. More like pontificate really. So much so that people in attendance were becoming increasingly agitated at some of those who chose to go up to the microphone. This was especially the case for people who went on at the mic for about 5 to 10 minutes.

While this scene was going on, I couldn’t help but wonder why so many people were coming up to the mic to not ask a question but to sound off about their views. Right then and there I remembered something a learned a long time ago. Everyone wants to be of value. It is a basic human need that every person feels. We all want to know that we have some sort of purpose in life. Why am I saying this? Because I’ve been very fortunate to have met a large number of people over the years and not a day goes by when a person is more than willing to give their point of view on something (whether it was asked for or notJ).  Now…is there really anything wrong with giving one’s opinion? Of course not, but just like everything, there is a time and a place for everything.

Are there opinions you’d like to share? What are some of your thoughts?

Related Posts

• You Can Tell a lot from a Person’s Handshake (1)
• Beware of the Chameleon Effect (0)
• Winning Friends and Influencing People (4)
• Networking and People (8)

Last evening I was fortunate enough to be with a large gathering of friends and acquaintances for an after work social. It was a truly enjoyable event such as most socials can be. Unfortunately, it never ceases to amaze me how every now and then there is a person in such a crowd who (giving them the benefit of the doubt) doesn’t realize that they are coming off as having a “holier than thou” type attitude. Why am I mentioning this? I’m mentioning this because I ran into such a person last night. The reason I use such a term to describe this person is because when I said hello to a friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in a long time, the person next to him stopped talking with the person he was speaking with and without really looking at me (not looking at me in the eye as would be the polite thing to do when meeting someone but looking past me) said, “Well, hello Gil” in a somewhat patronizing tone. After he said this to me, he proceeded to not go back to the person he was speaking with or say anything further to me but to pick up something from the table next to us. Immediately upon picking up the item from the table, this person turned his back more towards me and looked away. It appeared as though he was looking through the crowd to see who else was here.

Did I know this person? Yes. He is a member of the board of directors for one of the organizations that was hosting this event particular event. This particular organization is one that I’m a member of as well. Why was he acting this way towards me? I’m really not sure. What I do know about him is that he is a retired school professor and usually a very nice person to speak with. But every now and again while talking with people recently, he will have a tone as though he is a person of persuasion and influence. An elegant person who appears to enjoy the “finer things” in life (…have you ever seen those old “Grey Poupon Mustard commercials?). Almost as if he demands you to be a person of power or importance yourself prior to him giving you his undivided attention. Being a person of power and be rude is one thing, being a person without as much power or influence as maybe the next the person is another. To say I was a little taken back would be an understatement.

Benefit of the Doubt

There could have been many reasons for this person to act like that with me (and a couple of others that same evening I found out later on). He could have been having a difficult day, he may have been really tired, or most likely he may not have realized how he was coming off.

Sometimes assuming the best of a person is easier for dealing with people than assuming the worst from them.

How would you have felt if someone, in front of a large group of people, treated you with such a condescending tone?

Fortunately, I choose to have a great day every day by choice so I didn’t let it get to me for more than a few seconds (hey, I’m only human). Even though we can’t always control what happens to us, we can always control how we react. If there is anyone who disagrees with my last statement, feel free to disagree and let me know why you believe that.

How Should Someone Be Treated? Forgive and Forget?

The way a person negatively treats someone else can, and often does, backfire on them sooner or later.  With the particular person who was so condescending with me and a few others at this social gathering, I won’t be making an effort to do anything negative towards him. Two wrongs don’t make a right. But I can only imagine how others may act and go out of their way to ensure that they have a negative effect on that person’s life. All simply due to the condescending way he may have treated them.

The age old saying of “Forgive and Forget” is truly wise and prudent for most people. Unfortunately, as human beings, it’s not always easy to forget how a person makes you feel.

Is it really worth treating someone else as though they are beneath you in some way, shape or form?

Even if the above is not the intent, not being proactive in understanding how one is coming off to another person may be much more beneficial that one might think. In the age of social media and the internet, one person with an energetic and angry passion against something or “someone” can do a large amount of damage to a person’s credibility, authority, respectability.

So the next time you’re in a social setting, it may not be a bad idea to put on a smile and look at a person when you say hello to them or they say hello to you.

What are your thoughts?

Related Posts

• You Can Tell a lot from a Person’s Handshake (1)
• Increasing Likeability (0)
• Let’s Do Lunch! (…You Call Me) (6)
• The Anti-Networking Process of the Five B’s (2)

In the work of French sociologist, Marcel Mauss, it’s stated that “Gifts are never free!”. That when someone gives another person a gift, they are always expecting something recipricol in return from that person. Now how much truth is in that really? Many of my friends and associates have argued with me when it comes to the notion of there being no such thing as a free gift. Some even have gone so far as to say that one should be wary of an unexpected gift giver appearing before you and giving you a gift. Especially one you didn’t ask for. Is there really such a thing as a free gift? I say there is.

When I was a young child, I remember getting separated from my mother in a crowded New York City subway station. I remember the fear that overcame me at not knowing where she was and me being all alone on that subway platform. When I started yelling out for my mom to see where she was, I also started to walk around looking for her. I found my way to where one of the token stations were and just kept on looking for my mom and yelling out her name, “Mom!”  “Mama where are you!?!” As you can imagine, I started to cry being a little kid (I was probably 4 or 5 years old). A moment later I saw two police officers approaching me and asking if I was lost. I told them that “I can’t find my mama (still crying)” At that point one of them reassured me that it was going to be alright and not to be afraid anymore.  The same officer stayed with me while the other officer went away probably looking for my mother.  The officer that stayed with me started asking me questions about my name and the usual expected stuff and then he proceeded to offer me a piece of candy to help make me feel better.

Being a little kid, the candy did in fact help comfort me a little bit. A few seconds later, my mom ran up to me and picked me up giving me a big hug saying, “I found you!”  The memory of that event never left me. Not just because it was a traumatic experience for a little kid such as me at the time, but also because I remember the officer offering me the piece of candy. I didn’t think “why is he offering me a piece of candy when I didn’t ask for one?”  I just gladly accepted it. It did in fact helped to make me feel better. The officer didn’t expect anything back from me necessarily. But in fact he did, and that was to help me feel better.

An Interesting Conversation with a Psychology Graduate Student

When I was in college, I had an interesting conversation with  one of my girlfriend’s friends. She was a psychology graduate student and asked me when I offered to help someone with a project, what I expected back from them. I was a little surprised at the straight forwardness of the question in addition to the question itself. I asked her, why do you think I want something in return? She proceeded to tell me that everyone does something in order to get something else in return. She didn’t agree with me in that I didn’t want anything in return for helping someone with a project they had. “Everyone always wants something in return or else they wouldn’t do it” she told me. I was a little surprised at her passion on the subject. It made me think for a moment on the subject at which point I told her what I wanted in return. “By helping the person with the project, I expect him to (hopefully) get a passing or better grade on it.” If he wants to help me on something else in the future in some way, shape or form, then that is up to them. I’m not expecting anything in return. My girlfriend’s friend didn’t agree and told me that didn’t make sense because that is simply how people are. A person never does anything for free. Even though this is not the first time I heard this, it is definitely not the last.

When you give someone a gift, such as a compliment, you’re in fact exposing yourself to that person or to the people around you. Similar to the college story above, when a person near you overhears you giving someone else a compliment or offering them help, they may believe that I’m just trying to get a date with the person, or trying to make a good impression, or worse “kissing up” to the person. Seth Godin talks about this in his blog post, “Gifts, misunderstood”.

“Have you ever done something for someone, not expecting anything in return from them or anyone else for it?”

I have! Many times in fact! It can be something as simple as giving a person a compliment on a piece of jewelry they are wearing or on a nicely manicured front yard. When I give a person a compliment, am I really expecting something back from them? Maybe yes, maybe no. For me sincerely making a person feel better is what I am expecting. If that person feels better due to me giving them a sincere compliment or me giving them a gift, then I feel better.  It actually makes life more enjoyable for me and I’m sure the person receiving the gift.

“Can you truly imagine a life where people only gave others a gift (whether it be a physical object or a verbal compliment) in order to get something directly back?”

How did you feel the last time someone gave you a gift? How did you feel the last time someone gave you a compliment? How did you feel the last time you gave someone a gift? How about the time before that? How did you feel the last time you gave someone a sincere compliment?

What are your thoughts on the giving of a gift?

Related Posts

• That New Year’s Resolution (0)
• You Can Tell a lot from a Person’s Handshake (1)
• Hey! Hey! Listen to Me! I Know What I’m Talking About! (4)
• How Do You Wish to be Treated? (1)

Do you ever find yourself talking to yourself? Either out loud or quietly in your mind? A lot of people associate talking to yourself as more than a little strange. Some even say that if you talk to yourself, you’re just a lonely person with no real friends and that you may need to seek psychiatric counseling. But I don’t agree with that. I don’t even agree with anyone who has really anything negative to say about talking to yourself. The reason being that anyone who has a healthy mind will find themselves talking to themselves more often than not. But what does that really say about a person?

It’s been discovered that talking to yourself is not only normal, but may in fact help a person to become a better problem solver as well as have a more enjoyable life.  The very tactic of talking to yourself has been seen by scientist to help people find solace amid life’s pain points whenever they occur.  Instead of calling it “talking to yourself”, I prefer calling it “Thinking Out Loud” because it is really much more accurate of a statement.  

One of the earlier studies that involved the significance of talking to yourself (or thinking out loud ) was done by Dr. Paul Horton, psychoanalyst and co-author of “The Solace Paradigm”. His study, which was done by surveying 160 adults between the ages of 22 and 78, showed that “being with someone” was ranked number one on the list of things people needed and wanted in order to feel solace. The very act of talking to yourself give people the feeling that they are not really alone in facing an issue. That same study showed “going for a walk” as tenth in ranking. Below is the full ranking from that study:

10 MOST POPULAR SOURCES OF SOLACE

1. Being with someone else.

2. Listening to music.

3. Watching TV.

4. Eating.

5. Reading.

6. Talking to oneself.

7. Prayer.

8. A special book, such as the Bible.

9. Recalling pleasant memories.

10. Going for a walk.

The study showed that private behaviors, such as talking to yourself, actually lifted people out of many states of depression. Dr. Horton, who was also a psychiatrist at Child Guidance Center in Meriden, CT when the study was conducted, said “psychoanalysis has focused too much on sexuality and aggression, but the ability to give solace to oneself is the basis of such major positive feelings as joy, awe, forgiveness, and generosity.” (New York Times article from February 4, 1988)

In another study published in Early Childhood Research Quarterly by Professor Adam Winsler, an associate professor of psychology at George Mason University, 5 year olds were noted to do better on motor tasks when they talk to themselves out loud than when they were silent.  The same study showed that 78% of children performed either the same or better on a routine task when talking to themselves than when they were silent.

So What Does It All Mean?

When I read these studies, I’m not really surprised. When I ask a question out loud, it sounds differently and registers differently in my mind than when I simply “think” the same question internally. Have you ever heard yourself asking a friend or colleague a question only to find out that you figured out the answer to your question once you finish asking it? Many times, the very act of saying it out loud is what causes the mind to think in a different way.

So when was the last time you talked to yourself?

Related Posts

• You Can Tell a lot from a Person’s Handshake (1)
• Hey! Hey! Listen to Me! I Know What I’m Talking About! (4)
• How Do You Wish to be Treated? (1)
• Give a Gift without Expecting Something in Return (7)