Helpful Insights Online» learning about people

Leadership Traps: Communication Without Communicating

Gil Pizano — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 13:06:12 +0000

Depending upon where you’re from, or what generation you are part of, your view of what a leader should and should not be will vary. There are those who say changing times call for changes in leadership styles. While that may be true for some areas of leadership, many basic characteristics of leadership still hold true today as they did back with previous generations.

A crucial area that has not changed is the ability to communicate. Communication has added new tools to its repertoire over the last couple of decades (such as email and instant messaging), but time tested communication methods are still needed today. To substitute these time tested communication methods with email and/or instant messaging would be to ask your team and peers to begin alienating themselves from you. Why do I say such a blanket statement like that about using email and instant messaging? Because in a fast paced world, full of so many electronic communication methods, being able to communicate face-to-face is becoming rarer and more valuable than ever.

An Epiphany at Work!

A good friend of mine was recently working as a director for a large international firm in charge of putting together a brand new organization for the company. Unfortunately, she chose to leave that firm just after 7 months. Why? There were many reasons as it turns out. But what’s interesting is that most of those problems stemmed from the leadership trap of “communication without communicating”. Her boss and her were simply not meeting eye to eye on many things and consistently misunderstanding each other. Believing they were sharing clear concise information but in fact not understanding what the other one was intending to communicate. This leadership trap is probably one of the main ingredients in a “recipe for failure” and that recipe was cooking over the six to seven months she was at the firm.

For the first three to four months, things appeared to be going very well. At the end of the fourth month, however, she discovered that her boss was not happy with the way things were going. What made it more of a surprise was that she and her boss were having weekly one-on-ones since she started her new role. During these weekly sessions, the verbal feedback was a positive one. To add additional interest to this story, she discovered how her boss felt not from her boss but while meeting with an HR representative (that she met with on a periodic basis to discuss team development goals). Her boss never communicated to her that there were any issues or concerns during their one-on-one weekly meetings. She confronted her boss at their next one on one and heard a similar tone as before. Yes, there were some things that her boss was not happy about. They decided to discuss this further during the meeting and eventually an understanding was apparently reached. Three months later, my friend chose to leave rather than continue working at that firm because all she heard from the HR representative was that her boss was still not happy with any of her work. She said she never got this message from her boss. When I asked her why she decided to leave, she told me that it simply wasn’t a good fit.

My friend and her boss were not communicating well with each other. Both she and her boss were high enough in their careers to know how they should and shouldn’t communicate. But regardless, a communication breakdown occurred between two people who should not have had one occur. Even though they were meeting on a weekly basis, they were really “communicating without communicating”.

Looking back on the entire scenario, my friend told me there were things that both her and her boss should have done. Her boss wasn’t being upfront with his subordinate about his concerns and my friend was not asking her boss the correct questions she should’ve asked (in order to ensure that she and her boss were on the same page about how things were going). She can’t change the past, but today she is the wiser for what occurred.

Have you ever been in a scenario where you wish your boss was communicating more with you? Is so, understand one thing, you can’t always control how your boss acts, but you can always control the way you act. My friend had this opportunity at her recent position, and even though her boss may not have been the best communicator with her, she as the subordinate needed to make sure that she did everything possible to ensure that her and her boss were at the very least seeing eye-to-eye on things. This may not have guaranteed a working relationship for my friend between her and her boss (since other mitigating circumstances may have been occurring in the background unbeknownst to her), but it would have helped put the odds a little more in her favor.

Good Communication is Crucial

According to John Maxwell, in his book “21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader”, communication is one of the indispensable qualities a leader must have. It’s actually in the top five in his book:

“Communicators take something complicated and make it simple.”Leaders must be able to share knowledge and ideas to transmit a sense of urgency and enthusiasm to others.
Communication is not just what you say. It’s also how you say it. The key to effective communication is simplicity.
Speeches = Exciting opening, dramatic summary, as close together as possible.
To become a better communicator, become audience-oriented. People believe in great communicators because great communicators believe in people.
First, believe in what you say. Second, live what you say.
As you communicate, never forget that the goal of communication is action.

Some More Things to Think About

I have to admit that I am a big fan of many blog articles out there. There are quite a few, especially on the subject of communication and its impact on leadership. Below is a list of some of my favorites from the HBR (Harvard Business Review) Blog Network. Many people are not aware of the HBR Blog Network and so I wanted to share it with my readers here. For those who wish they could read the Harvard Business Review, the HBR Blog Network is made up of many of the same writers who write and comment within the HBR publication. The nice thing here is that, as with all blogs, these thought provoking articles are free…Enjoy!

· Eight Communication Traps that Foil Innovation

· Listening Is Critical in Today’s Multicultural Workplace

· How to Interject in a Meeting

· How to Influence Decision Makers

· Why Some Teams Succeed (and So Many Don’t)

· To Make a Strong Case, Don’t Be a Data Dumper

· Learn to Ask Better Questions

· How to Handle Silence, the Worst Kind of Feedback

· “Don’t Bring Me Problems—Bring Me Solutions!”

· Why It’s Better to Be Smart and Wrong than Just Silent

· Three Questions to Remove Ego from Decision Making

· Four Ways Leaders Can Stay on Top of the Issues

· Redeeming Yourself After a Leadership Disaster

What has been your experience in the past with people who believe they are communicating but who in fact aren’t? What advice would you have for them today? Do you see yourself as a person who communicates well or who may need a jumpstart on communication 101?

Share your thoughts! We’d love to know them here!…Cheers!

25 Great Articles on How to be Empathetic

Gil Pizano — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 01:05:28 +0000

Empathy enables a person to establish a connection with others and is necessary for mutual interaction and full comprehension of the experience. It is probably one of the most important aspects of being a leader in every situation. Without it, a person is virtually guaranteed to become out of touch with the environment, he or she is in. Without empathy, a leader cannot lead. Without empathy, a person cannot be in any type of mutually beneficial relationship. Without empathy, a person is basically asking to be completely alone in life.

Have you ever wished to be more empathetic in order to become a better leader? In order to have a better relationship with a friend, loved one or colleague?

There are many great and free resources about empathy available. Here are some great articles, posts and videos that talk about empathy and it’s importance in leadership, parenting and relationships:

5 Tips for Empathetic Listening — Really a quick read from Stepcase Lifehack on the five simple steps one can use to be more empathetic.
Are You Empathetic or Sympathetic? — A brief post by Robbie Miller Kaplan (author of the book “How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say”) on how he words sympathy and empathy are often thought to be the same, and yet they are distinct expressions.
Avoiding the Five Pitfalls to Becoming an Empathetic Listener — A very concise article about why more people are not better empathetic listeners.
Being a Good Manager/Mom: Be Empathetic — Quick post from Sarah Rottenberg who describes it well by saying that a recent post got her “thinking about what I think it takes to be a good manager. And I think it’s simple: be empathetic.”
Empathetic Voice Improves Doctor-Patient Communication — Doctors who use an empathetic voice with patients can elicit more information about their health problems and encourage them to stick to their treatment regime, a Monash researcher has found.
Empathetic Understanding and School Leadership Preparation — a paper written by Diane Ketelle and R. Pete Mesa, Mills College. Successful leaders seem to share one thing in common – empathy. The authors posit that empathic understanding is foundational to leadership.
Empathy and Showing Empathy — Interesting article descibing the importance of empathy in leadership positions.
Empathy is in Our Genes — a quick read from the Thaindian News website citing a few research studies on the topic.
Empathetic Customer Service — a short article on how empathy played such an important role in the lasting of one of America’s successful companies of it’s day.
Exercise in Creative Classroom Management — How to Become a More Empathetic Teacher – The title speaks for itself.
Gandhi’s Neurons: The Practice of Empathy – Article by Bruna Martinuzzi on
How to be an Empathetic Listener – article on steps for being a better listener with empathy.
How Empathetic are You? — Interesting article with a link to a test where one can determine their Empathy Quotient.
How to Practice More Empathy in Your Business Management — Sometimes it’s hard to be a business manager, especially when you are in difficult situations with your employees. One of the important things that you need to exercise in these difficult situations is empathy.
How to Teach Your Kids to be Empathetic – A story post from the website “Effective Parenting” that gives a good example of the results of teaching empathy to a child.
Make Empathetic Listening your Super Power — a very good article on being empathetic.
Mirror Neurons – Video of discussing a recently discovered system in the brain that may help explain why we humans can get so worked up watching other people.
Principles of Empathic Communication — From Leadership University, an itemized summary of “Habit 5 — Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood” from Stephen Covey’s “THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE”.
Resilience: Compassion and Empathy — The quality of your relationships, and not the quantity of them, is what matters for you in terms of your emotional resilience. One of the attributes that differentiates people with higher quality relationships from people with lower quality relationships is their ability to be compassionate and empathetic.
The Art of Empathetic Listening — an article by Gian Fiero, an educator, speaker and consultant who specializes in business development, career planning, and personal growth issues.
The Benefits of Empathic Listening – an article with some good guidelines for understanding and being a empathic listener.
The Caring Child: How to Teach Empathy – Good article of giving a child a head start in having the ability to be empathetic.
Three Steps to Empathetic Listening — Oftentimes, people are too busy, they don’t make the effort, or they simply don’t know how to listen empathetically to others. And it is because of this that people have difficulty getting in touch with their feelings and they harbor negative emotions about others.
What’s Empathy Got to Do With It? — a very good article by describing empathy in detail along with ten leadership tips on being more empathetic.
What is Empathy? How to be Empathetic – Very short and concise article by Gwendolyn Cuizon on empathy.

If you know of other good articles on the subject of empathy that you believe someone else needs to read or know about, share it with us in the comments below!

Sometimes It Comes Down to a Choice

Gil Pizano — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 03:14:34 +0000

Last week I was fortunate enough to be a participant in a two day leadership retreat. I was one of among thirty or so regional leaders chosen for a year long training program where participants will be involved in the development of a community based project. The two day leadership retreat was the first time everyone involved in the year long training program would be getting together. When I found out that I was going to be one of the people chosen to go through the course, I was really happy and looking forward to being part of the group. That was back in November of last year.

As the time for the retreat come closer, I began to think about how the retreat would be handled by the staff organizing it. After all it was suppose to be the first in a series of learning workshops for the coming year and the tone of the first program in the process would most likely be the tone to expect in future trainings. For me, not knowing what to really expect caused a little bit of anxiety for me but at the same time I still was greatly looking forward to it.

The location of the two day retreat was just over an hour from where I live. People in the group had the option of going to the retreat center on a private coach rented by the organization holding the retreat, or to go by car. Since the organizers hinted that the retreat would actually be starting on the bus on the way over I chose to take the bus ride. I will say it was a fun bus ride, I got to learn about some of the people who were going on the retreat with me. Coincidentally, one person I got to know was actually someone I was communicating with via the social media world. Thomas Clifford is more known to many in the northeast as “Director Tom”. For those of you who don’t know him, check out his blog!

Once we all got to where we would be spending the next two days, we got to work on various team building, leadership development and personal self-awareness exercises. There was also plenty of instruction given on the various areas of leadership to complement the exercises. For me, some of the facilitation seemed to almost cross the line of sounding as though they were facilitating to grammar school children. Author’s personal note: I’m not the type of personality that takes very well to a learning environment where instructors sound as though they are speaking to grammar school children. But given the number of people that were there (two to three facilitators for thirty to forty participants) each with a distinct personality, it would be difficult for anyone’s teaching style to please or be taken well by everyone.

I Needed to Make a Choice

Being that I was chosen to participate in the group, and the year long leadership training that went along with it, I chose to keep one very important aspect…an open mind. That said, the next two days turned out to be very eye-opening to me. Why? Because I was able to get a much better understanding about others as well as myself. Not saying that it was some sort of religious experience necessarily, but I did learn a great deal more than I expected. Looking back now in retrospect, I would not have been able to get as much out of those two days or learn as much as I did if I didn’t choose to keep an open mind and listen to what others had to say. That alone taught me the most because how many things would I have missed or have go over my head if a decided to keep a closed mind (remember I mentioned earlier that I was interpreting the teaching style of some of the facilitators as “grammar school teaching style” like).

Do you remember a time when you decided to keep your mind closed when someone was telling you something you didn’t agree with or believe? Was it possible that you missed an important lesson in the process? Do you remember a time when you chose to keep an open mind when someone was telling you something you didn’t believe or agree with? I guess it can be more comforting to think YOUR way is the only right way…they say ignorance is bliss. But at what cost?

How Good is Encouragement?

Gil Pizano — Sun, 27 Dec 2009 01:38:43 +0000

A while ago I read a story about an elderly man who approached the famous nineteenth-century poet and artist, Dante Gabriel Rossetti. The old fellow had some sketches and drawings that he wanted Rossetti to look at and tell him if they were any good, or if they at least showed potential talent.

After looking over the first few carefully, he knew that they were worthless and showed no sign of artistic talent. But Rossetti was a kind man, and he told the elderly man as gently as possible that the pictures were without much value and showed little talent. He was sorry, but he could not lie to the man.

The visitor was disappointed, but seemed to expect Rossetti’s judgment. He then apologized for taking up Rossetti’s time, but would he just look at a few more drawings — these done by a young art student?

Rossetti looked over the second batch of sketches and immediately became enthusiastic over the talent they revealed. “These,” he said, ” these are good. This young student has great talent. He should be given every help and encouragement in his career as an artist. He has a great future if he will work hard and stick to it.”

Rossetti could see that the old fellow was deeply moved and asked, “Who is this fine young artist?” he asked, “Your son?”

“No,” said the old man sadly. “It is me — forty years ago. If only I had heard your praise then! For you see, I got discouraged and gave up — too soon.”

The author of the above story is unknown, and this story has been mentioned in many books, blogs and seminars. For me it’s a perfect example of how much some encouragement can mean to a person who may need it in their life. We may not always know when a person needs the encouragement or we may not see the result of it, but giving encouragement may be one of the most powerful tools each of us has in positively changing our world.

A Person with a Gift that Was Never Opened

The above story always reminds me of something that happened to one of my uncles. He always wanted to learn how to play the piano. Now in his early sixties, he noticed me playing piano and then guitar one day. He looked at me with a strange and at the same time proud look. After I was finished playing he came over to the piano and started playing a little bit. His level of playing was more by ear and at a beginner level of playing. I asked him what was on his mind when he was watching me play. His response was, “I wished I learned how to play an instrument at your age.”

When I saw how quickly my uncle picked up a melody and how easy it seemed to him, as a musician myself I realized he had a natural gift for playing music. I asked him why he never started learning an instrument earlier in his life. He told me that while he was in his pre-teens and then his teens, his mother would always be telling him that he didn’t have a musical ear and couldn’t possibly learn how to play an instrument. This discouraged my uncle so much that he accepted what he called his personal “lot in life”. No one ever told him he had a natural talent for music. People would see him in musical instrument stores and in school (playing on the piano) and never say anything to him about it. At the time he was a little too shy to ask another person’s opinion about his musical ability.

Who Would Benefit from Encouragement?

What would have happened to him had someone given him a little encouragement?

Would he have created some of the world’s favorite music? Would the elderly man in the first story have gone on to paint some of the most beautiful images people would ever see? We’ll never really know will we.

Have you ever noticed something in someone else that you believed deserved some praise?

Have you ever seen a person discouraged at something good they are attempting to accomplished? What remarks could we share to uplift that person’s spirits?

“Those who are lifting the world upward

and onward are those who encourage

more than criticize.” – Elizabeth Harrison

We never know how much the encouragement may mean to someone else until we give it. That someone else may be you in the future. Hey…you never know .

A Little Note: Some Good Ways and Some Not So Good Ways to Network

Gil Pizano — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 04:25:52 +0000

If you want to network with others, there are at least two things needed. First and simplest of them is that it helps to go where there are people. Second, and probably the most important is that it helps to be genuinely interested in people.

Dale Carnegie, one of the most influential people of the twentieth century when it came to winning friends and influencing others, once said, “You can make more friends in two months by becoming really interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

What kind of people do you want to network with?

Given the choice, would you rather network with people who care mostly about themselves or would you prefer to network with people who have a sincere interest in you? If you’re like most people, my guess is that it would be the later.

I recently attended a networking social after work. The event was sponsored by a local professional organization and it promised to be a huge gathering of professionals from the surrounding area. When I got there one of the event’s organizers came up to me and welcomed me to the event (being welcomed by someone is always a great experience when attending a social gathering, whether you know them or not). This particular event was quite large indeed, with over 200 people gathering in this downtown hot spot all with the main purpose of meeting other professionals and entrepreneurs.

The event was great! I met a large number of people from all different backgrounds. Each person had something to offer others and it never ceases to amaze me how much I continue to learn about people at events such as these.

One person who I will remember unfortunately is a young lady who I met due to her standing next to someone I knew. The person I knew said hello to me. I said hi back and starting to ask him how he was and what he had been up to. After a brief sentence or two, my friend motioned over to the person standing next to him and I proceeded to introduce myself saying that it was a pleasure to meet her. But almost immediately she appeared to not care much about knowing who I was (not that I was selling anything or telling her anything about me other than introducing myself). She proceeded to speak with my friend and not give me much thought. My friend proceeded to speak with both her and me discussing a couple of recent events that had occurred locally. What was soon apparent, or so it seemed, was that this young lady did not care what I had to say with respect to what the topic of conversation was. The young lady needed to leave the event a few moments later, but before she did she proceeded to give my friend a warm professional handshake and a smile saying it was a pleasure meeting him. She then turned to me, raised her hand up to the side of her face and with a slight smile waived her fingers slightly at me without saying a word and proceeded to leave the event.

Now I don’t let these scenarios effect my enjoyment of an event. I make it a point to choose to enjoy my time at social gatherings and help others enjoy their time if they wish to do so. At this particular event, I met a lot of great people and had a great time overall.

What’s the reason for me sharing this little story? The reason is because, even though this young lady didn’t appear interested in knowing me, she left a not so good impression. If she was at the event to meet people and network, she failed with me because I have little choice than to remember the way she made me feel “as though I was not of any importance to her in that brief conversation.” How do you believe I should treat her if (and when) I run into her in the future? How would you be if you were me meeting her at future social or professional events? I’ll leave that up to you to think about how I would and should treat her.

My message here is that why burn bridges and make enemies with people you don’t know. Granted we can’t please all of the people all of the time, but making bad impressions is not always the best way to network with others. As I’ve mentioned in other posts before, whether you intend to network with people or not, we are always networking!

Do you have any networking advice or stories to share? What is your advice to people who want to network? There are many people (including myself) who would love to know!

Cheers!

Helpful Insights Online» learning about people

Leadership Traps: Communication Without Communicating

An Epiphany at Work!

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