This is probably a topic that has been beaten down so much that I’m almost embarrassed to write about it. But I can’t help it. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they shake hands with you. Whether they intend to let you know or not.  How can that be? How do you know if the person doesn’t have a weak hand or some other medical condition preventing them from doing any other type of handshake other than as though you are shaking hands with a piece of tissue paper? Or maybe the person does not know their own strength (which is why I can’t feel my hand for a few minutes after I shake it with him)? How can you really tell a lot about a person by the way they shake hands with you? Read on and I’ll share some thoughts on that very topic…

A New Director, a New Boss

A number of years back, I was working at a large corporation in a department that supported a number of infrastructure areas. There were so many areas being covered by the group that I often wondered why all this responsibility was being placed under one group and not a few groups. Personally I thought there had to be changes coming because sooner or later something was going to break and when it did, it wouldn’t be pretty. Around the same time, the company was beginning to go through some financial difficulties that caused the rumor mill to begin working overtime. What was a main rumor topic? It was, “I hear there is a potential RIF coming!” (RIF = Reduction in Force or staff). This was enough to make many people become a little uneasy about the future of their positions at the company.

Soon after employees started hearing the buzz about a possible RIF, the vice president in charge of the division I was working in hired a new Director to run many of the organizations including mine. Usually when someone comes into a new position of leadership, they want to make their mark in the company. A way they usually do that is by re-organizing the departments.

My team had an opportunity within the next week or so to meet with the new director. During the meeting he told us that he had no intention of performing any re-organizations of the group I was a part of what-so-ever. He was smiling and sounded sincere. At the end of the meeting, when I went to shake his hand, he held my hand in a way and I almost wasn’t even feeling his hand there. It was almost as though he really didn’t want to shake my hand. More interestingly about the handshake was that as soon as I shook his hand, the feeling that this person was insincere and flat out lying to me was the first thing that flashed across my mind. Personally, I was taken completely off guard to the impression I received from him through his handshake. A sense of fear for my job at the time almost automatically came over me. Don’t know why, but it did. There were so many of us in the group that he actually wound up shaking my hand a second time before we left the room. Again, my feeling after the first handshake was re-enforced. After the meeting, many of the people in the department and I in separate meetings were discussing our impressions about the new director. What came out? How he made them feel as they shook hands with him. They all felt the exact same thing I did.

So what happened at that company later on with this new director? Ten days later I come into work to discover this new director has resigned and accepted a position at another company closer to his home. For a person at that level, a new position doesn’t just come about so quickly. There are numerous interviews that occur before an offer is made let alone a formal acceptance and confirmation. For me, that kind of explained the insincere feeling we all received from his handshake. It was pretty clear that this new director had no intention of staying with my company. He was simply buying his time with a paycheck to cover his immediate expenses until a better deal for him came about and there was already something in the works for him before he started with my company.

Types of Handshakes and What They (May) Say About You

Below are some forms of handshakes and what they often say about a person. Please note though that handshake expectation differs depending upon the culture the exchange is occurring in. With that said, the information below is based upon most Western cultures. Even within Western cultures, specific community groups may have their own views on what is proper and what is not for a handshake (e.g. It’s considered rude and completely unacceptable for a man to offer a handshake to a Hasidic Jewish woman if he is not the woman’s husband).

The Lingering Hand Shake: A standard hand shake with an extra few shakes and holding on for just a few seconds. I find this often happens when old friends meet or with a good bye to someone dear. Among business people, it can give a bit of a chance to communicate positive thoughts. Make sure to only do this with someone you know very well or else it can be taken in a completely wrong way.

The Water Pump: Similar to the lingering hand shake. With a water pump handshake, the person gets a hold of you and then they will pump your arm as if they are attempting to pump water out of an old fashioned faucet. Often, a water pumper will pump your hand anywhere from seven to ten times to even fifteen times before they stop. Once they stop pumping, they usually hold onto your hand until you work it out of their grasp. Usually accomplished by pulling away forcefully.

The Push Off: This is when at the end of the handshake your hand is pushed away. It may be subtle but it could be read as a negative message by the person on the receiving end of the push.

The Pull In: The handshakes results in one pulling the other closer. This often speaks of a controlling body language. How would you feel if someone pulled you closer to them while shaking your hand?

The Superior: If offered first palm down, it indicates superiority. It is the body language of a controlling person.

The Lesser: If offered first, palm up, it could indicate humility and that a person is there to serve.

The Finger Cruncher: Rather than grabbing across the palm, the fingers are grabbed and crushed. Is it sporty to give pain someone else a little pain during a handshake? This one can be painful. The person who does the finger cruncher will say they can’t judge their own strength but if you pay attention, note that they won’t do this while shaking a woman’s hand.

The Bone Cruncher: Much like the finger cruncher, the same vice like grip is around the hand. Enough said. Please see comment to the Finger Cruncher above.

The Palm Pincher: This is usually from a woman, and only a few fingers and thumb grasp the palm for the shake. This is actually the norm for a woman in some cultures. If a man shook your hand this way, it could be taken as being from a person who does not want to shake hands with you. Insincerity can often pop into a person’s head when a man shakes hands this way.

The Twister: This may start off as a normal shake but ends up with one twisting and putting the other on top. Sometimes a person is meaning to show warmth of empathy with this type of handshake, but quite often it’s interpreted to show a person to be of a controlling personality. Especially if it is incorporated with a pull in by the shaking hand prior to the other hand going on top. This type of handshake can also be seen as intrusive, or simply too personal.

The Dead Fish: This is one of my least favorites of all! It’s a cold, unemotional, sometimes wet shaking of hands. It is basically the definition of complete indifference towards the person they are shaking hands with. (Note: There are times when the person giving a “dead fish” type handshake may have a physical aiment giving them an inability to grip a person’s hand any stronger.)

The Left Handed Shake: Those that give a left-handed handshake are seen as at the very least a little strange and at the most as down-right insulting. To some people it’s as bad as spitting in their face. Want to know why? In some cultures, you wipe your backside with your left hand. In many western cultures this is seen as a sign of complete disrespect to the other person so why would you do it in the first place.

There are just a few of the different types of handshakes out there. What are some comments or examples of handshakes that you’ve seen and experienced?

Cheers!

Gil

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The other day I was talking with a close family friend who I hadn’t seen in a number of years. I asked him how he was doing and what he had been up to since the last time I spoke with him. His name is John and he mentioned to me that he had been doing given the circumstances of being out of work for a period of time. He’s now working once again, but not in the area he was originally working in. I asked him where he was working now and he told me he was working for a small marketing company doing some marketing in addition to some IT (Information Technology) work for them.

I was surprised that John was doing marketing because for most of my life, he was the engineering type who enjoyed tinkering with gadgets of all types. His main career for the past 25 or so years had been in the computer industry so when he mentioned that he was now doing marketing I found it really interesting. I had to ask how a person in their early 50’s, who has been working for so many years in one field, goes from working in the computer industry to working in the marketing industry. John mentioned that he always found the computer field very rewarding, but that recently he had been looking at other areas to apply his mind to. When he was laid off earlier last year, he decided he needed a change for himself.

“That was an interesting change” I told him. I then asked him how he was able to “break into” the marketing field at this stage in life. “I wasn’t aware that you knew enough about marketing to go into it” was my exclamation. He told me he didn’t. He thought he knew a little about marketing, but when he looked for positions in marketing, he quickly found out (unfortunately during interviews) that he really didn’t know much at all. John told me that this made him self-conscious at the thought of applying for any more marketing positions. But instead of giving up, John said he decided to learn as much as he could about the aspects of marketing. He enrolled in a couple of summer courses at a local community college in his hometown. At the same time, he went to the library and read up on marketing careers, professional marketing companies, marketing consultation and almost every area of marketing he was able to get his hands on. He also did research on the internet.

After doing this level of self education on marketing, and after the two summer courses were done, he proceeded to start applying for marketing positions once again. The result, he had a couple of job offers within a month or so of applying. Today he is really happy at what he is now doing. What stuck out to me during this whole conversation is that many people I know, many of which are younger than my family friend John, look at themselves as too old to learn a new field or trade. I was never a follower of such a philosophy and here was living proof that it is possible to learn new things at any age. As my late grandfather (R.I.P.) found out in the last few years of his life, after learning about emailing and computers in his mid-eighties (and writing electronic articles for his town paper in this manner), we never really loose the ability to learn. Some people just allow themselves to believe they aren’t able to learn anything new.

What would you like to learn about?

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It’s funny how in this digital age of ours, there is still a large number of people who are not able to find what they are looking for. I’m talking about people who are already connected to the internet, are reasonably internet savvy, and are able to perform searches via Google, Yahoo or what have you.

In the interest of helping people find good information about mentoring, I’ve decided to point out some avenues that I believe will help.

Websites and Blogs about Mentorships:

• Quintessential Careers — A comprehensive career development site with many articles on the subject such as “The Value of Mentorship” by Katharine Hansen, Ph.D..
• About.com — an online neighborhood of hundreds of helpful experts, eager to share their wealth of knowledge with visitors.
• Problogger.net
• Mentoring.org — known as one of the nation’s premier advocates and resources for the expansion of mentoring initiatives nationwide serving young people in their communities.

Online Mentorship Groups:

• The Professional and Amateur Mentoring Group — Group on LinkedIn.com created to help the ones who are willing to be either mentors or mentees to connect with each other on LinkedIn.

Other avenues to consider are professional organizations relating to a particular area of interest. Below are some excellent sites listing such organizations:

• Gateway to Associations Online — Maintained by the American Society of Association Executives, this site provides a comprehensive directory to Web sites of business and professional associations.
• Associations on the Net — This site, from The Internet Public Library, lists organizations that have a Web presence, enabling you to explore groups you might want to join.
• WEDDLE’s Association Directory — This site lists several thousand associations from around the world by their primary professional/occupational focus and/or industry of interest. Maintained by WEDDLE’s, a research, publishing, consulting, and training firm.

The above are not the only avenues for finding information about mentoring, but my hope is that the information above will help guide you or someone you know in finding what they are looking for.

Please feel free to comment on any of the information I listed above. Let’s stay strong and keep growing!

If you feel the above information was valuable to you, or if you feel someone else may find this information useful, feel free to share this site with them.

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If you think you don’t need one and want to “Get Ahead” in your career or business endeavor, you may want to think again. Mentors are probably one of the most important people you’ll have in your life. They are people who have either already navigated the landscape that you are currently working your way through or can simply give you sincere constructive criticism to help make the most of a given scenario. Mentorship refers to a developmental relationship in which a more experienced person helps a less experienced person develop in a specified capacity. The less experienced person in a mentoring relationship is sometimes referred to as a protégé or a mentoree.

So what is the big deal about having a mentor vs. doing it on your own with the help of your network? According to Katharine Hansen, Ph.D in her article The Value of a Mentor:

“Where a typical network contact might be associated with quick introductions, exchanges of business cards, and phone calls, your relationship with a mentor likely involves long lunches and time spent in the mentor’s office. A mentor is often in a position you’d like to be in and has the clout and connections to guide you to a similar position. He or she is someone you probably have unusually good chemistry with who will share stories with you of his or her own climb to success. An effective mentor isn’t afraid to criticize constructively. ”

The value of a mentor in your life for work, business, or even family reveals itself through time. More importantly the time saved by putting to use the input received from a mentor.

A Difficult Situation to Be In
A while back, in a position previous to the one I have now, I was having difficultly with my new supervisor. The issue of him trusting me was apparent within a couple of months after he became my boss. For the life of me I could not understand why he mistrusted me so much. In my eyes, there was no reason why he needed to.

Action items and deliverables assigned to me where always completed on time and in apparent good order. Whenever there was a question of getting the task accomplished, I would always have a contingency plan in place to help ensure the completion of the goal. Even though I did everything he asked of me and then some, there was always tension with my supervisor thinking that I was attempting to usurp his authority and take his position.

Regardless of what some of you may think, taking my supervisor’s place that was not my intention at the time.

A Mentor to the Rescue
One of my mentors, Steve, was a Senior Director within the HR department of a large corporation and we would meet periodically over lunch. I took the next time Steve and I met for lunch to go over the situation I was facing with my supervisor. After discussing it for a bit, Steve pointed out something to me that I was not aware of at the time. I am the type of person who when asked to get something accomplished goes out of their way to get it done. This would include reaching out to people in other departments at all different levels.

What I wasn’t aware of was that by doing so my name was getting around the company as a point of contact for my department. This would lead to people in other departments contacting me directly when they had a quick question instead of my supervisor. At the time I didn’t think anything of it, but Steve pointed out to me that my supervisor may be the type of person who needed to be the focal point for his organization. To add to the issue, whenever I reached out to people in other organizations, I would not always tell my supervisor every single person I spoke with (showing how green I was at the time).

Steve proceeded to give me some ideas that I could try in order to remedy the situation with my supervisor. He advised me of how important it was to let my supervisor know who I’ve contacted outside of the organization in order to accomplish the tasks he assigned me to do. Even if the contact appears minor to me, my supervisor may not believe so and by keeping him in the loop he would be able to feel more in control of his organization. After all, being his organization, he is ultimately accountable for what goes on within it.

Another item that Steve pointed out to me was the possibility of there being a personality conflict. My personality is to be open and relaxed around people. Not talking up a storm, but by nature I prefer to avoid long moments of awkward silence. If such an awkward moment of silence occurs, I am most likely to be one of the people who breaks the silence by asking a question or bringing up a point that people may find interesting. My boss on the other hand was much more reserved and would not interrupt a long awkward moments of silence. Steve suggested using a mirroring technique to help bridge the possible gap the different personalities my supervisor and I had.

After applying the advice Steve suggested, I noticed the level of mistrust begin to diminish. What was most surprising for me was how quickly my supervisor’s mistrust of me dissipated. Within a couple of weeks my supervisor was appearing more comfortable around the things I was doing. I kept him more ‘informed’ by letting him know everyone I spoke with in order to get the tasks he assigned me done. After a while, he became comfortable enough with me reaching out to so many people in different departments (and them contacting me directly) that he eventually told me he didn’t need to know everyone I spoke with. As long as the job got done, he was fine with the way I did it.

Looking back on the whole scenario, I realized that I was very fortunate to have Steve mentor me at this time. Had he not given me his advice based upon his own past experience, the situation would have most likely resulted in a different ending. One where the mistrust my supervisor had for me could have turned into a reason for him to push me out of his organization. The input from Steve allowed me to have a successful track record with that company that eventually led to me receiving a promotion.

If you Decide to Choose a Mentor
There is no limit to the number of mentors you have in your life. Some people have one, others many more. Some mentoring relationship last for less than a year, others last a lifetime. The number of mentors you decide to have is ultimately up to you. Just like with all mutually beneficial relationships, mentorships require time and need to be nurtured.

If you choose to find a mentor, and a mentor decides to choose you, it may be one of the most valuable and profitable relationships you ever have.

Feel that the above information was valuable to you, or that someone else may find this information useful, then feel free to share this site with them.

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