This is probably a topic that has been beaten down so much that I’m almost embarrassed to write about it. But I can’t help it. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they shake hands with you. Whether they intend to let you know or not.  How can that be? How do you know if the person doesn’t have a weak hand or some other medical condition preventing them from doing any other type of handshake other than as though you are shaking hands with a piece of tissue paper? Or maybe the person does not know their own strength (which is why I can’t feel my hand for a few minutes after I shake it with him)? How can you really tell a lot about a person by the way they shake hands with you? Read on and I’ll share some thoughts on that very topic…

A New Director, a New Boss

A number of years back, I was working at a large corporation in a department that supported a number of infrastructure areas. There were so many areas being covered by the group that I often wondered why all this responsibility was being placed under one group and not a few groups. Personally I thought there had to be changes coming because sooner or later something was going to break and when it did, it wouldn’t be pretty. Around the same time, the company was beginning to go through some financial difficulties that caused the rumor mill to begin working overtime. What was a main rumor topic? It was, “I hear there is a potential RIF coming!” (RIF = Reduction in Force or staff). This was enough to make many people become a little uneasy about the future of their positions at the company.

Soon after employees started hearing the buzz about a possible RIF, the vice president in charge of the division I was working in hired a new Director to run many of the organizations including mine. Usually when someone comes into a new position of leadership, they want to make their mark in the company. A way they usually do that is by re-organizing the departments.

My team had an opportunity within the next week or so to meet with the new director. During the meeting he told us that he had no intention of performing any re-organizations of the group I was a part of what-so-ever. He was smiling and sounded sincere. At the end of the meeting, when I went to shake his hand, he held my hand in a way and I almost wasn’t even feeling his hand there. It was almost as though he really didn’t want to shake my hand. More interestingly about the handshake was that as soon as I shook his hand, the feeling that this person was insincere and flat out lying to me was the first thing that flashed across my mind. Personally, I was taken completely off guard to the impression I received from him through his handshake. A sense of fear for my job at the time almost automatically came over me. Don’t know why, but it did. There were so many of us in the group that he actually wound up shaking my hand a second time before we left the room. Again, my feeling after the first handshake was re-enforced. After the meeting, many of the people in the department and I in separate meetings were discussing our impressions about the new director. What came out? How he made them feel as they shook hands with him. They all felt the exact same thing I did.

So what happened at that company later on with this new director? Ten days later I come into work to discover this new director has resigned and accepted a position at another company closer to his home. For a person at that level, a new position doesn’t just come about so quickly. There are numerous interviews that occur before an offer is made let alone a formal acceptance and confirmation. For me, that kind of explained the insincere feeling we all received from his handshake. It was pretty clear that this new director had no intention of staying with my company. He was simply buying his time with a paycheck to cover his immediate expenses until a better deal for him came about and there was already something in the works for him before he started with my company.

Types of Handshakes and What They (May) Say About You

Below are some forms of handshakes and what they often say about a person. Please note though that handshake expectation differs depending upon the culture the exchange is occurring in. With that said, the information below is based upon most Western cultures. Even within Western cultures, specific community groups may have their own views on what is proper and what is not for a handshake (e.g. It’s considered rude and completely unacceptable for a man to offer a handshake to a Hasidic Jewish woman if he is not the woman’s husband).

The Lingering Hand Shake: A standard hand shake with an extra few shakes and holding on for just a few seconds. I find this often happens when old friends meet or with a good bye to someone dear. Among business people, it can give a bit of a chance to communicate positive thoughts. Make sure to only do this with someone you know very well or else it can be taken in a completely wrong way.

The Water Pump: Similar to the lingering hand shake. With a water pump handshake, the person gets a hold of you and then they will pump your arm as if they are attempting to pump water out of an old fashioned faucet. Often, a water pumper will pump your hand anywhere from seven to ten times to even fifteen times before they stop. Once they stop pumping, they usually hold onto your hand until you work it out of their grasp. Usually accomplished by pulling away forcefully.

The Push Off: This is when at the end of the handshake your hand is pushed away. It may be subtle but it could be read as a negative message by the person on the receiving end of the push.

The Pull In: The handshakes results in one pulling the other closer. This often speaks of a controlling body language. How would you feel if someone pulled you closer to them while shaking your hand?

The Superior: If offered first palm down, it indicates superiority. It is the body language of a controlling person.

The Lesser: If offered first, palm up, it could indicate humility and that a person is there to serve.

The Finger Cruncher: Rather than grabbing across the palm, the fingers are grabbed and crushed. Is it sporty to give pain someone else a little pain during a handshake? This one can be painful. The person who does the finger cruncher will say they can’t judge their own strength but if you pay attention, note that they won’t do this while shaking a woman’s hand.

The Bone Cruncher: Much like the finger cruncher, the same vice like grip is around the hand. Enough said. Please see comment to the Finger Cruncher above.

The Palm Pincher: This is usually from a woman, and only a few fingers and thumb grasp the palm for the shake. This is actually the norm for a woman in some cultures. If a man shook your hand this way, it could be taken as being from a person who does not want to shake hands with you. Insincerity can often pop into a person’s head when a man shakes hands this way.

The Twister: This may start off as a normal shake but ends up with one twisting and putting the other on top. Sometimes a person is meaning to show warmth of empathy with this type of handshake, but quite often it’s interpreted to show a person to be of a controlling personality. Especially if it is incorporated with a pull in by the shaking hand prior to the other hand going on top. This type of handshake can also be seen as intrusive, or simply too personal.

The Dead Fish: This is one of my least favorites of all! It’s a cold, unemotional, sometimes wet shaking of hands. It is basically the definition of complete indifference towards the person they are shaking hands with. (Note: There are times when the person giving a “dead fish” type handshake may have a physical aiment giving them an inability to grip a person’s hand any stronger.)

The Left Handed Shake: Those that give a left-handed handshake are seen as at the very least a little strange and at the most as down-right insulting. To some people it’s as bad as spitting in their face. Want to know why? In some cultures, you wipe your backside with your left hand. In many western cultures this is seen as a sign of complete disrespect to the other person so why would you do it in the first place.

There are just a few of the different types of handshakes out there. What are some comments or examples of handshakes that you’ve seen and experienced?

Cheers!

Gil

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When it comes to influence one thing is certain. One’s ability to create and maintain a positive relationship is a must have skill. Without the ability to have a relationship with someone, there is absolutely no way to have influence. One can argue that power (through the manipulation of money and/or violence) can allow a person to have influence. I say that is simply not true influence but more so an investment and use of fear. If given the choice, a large number of leaders would prefer to use the power of influence over the power of fear in order to get things done.

It All Started with a Visit

A few years back I was visiting the headquarters of a very well-known international computer consulting firm. This particular firm serviced my company on many occasions and I was always happy with how their consultants handled my company’s requests. An acquaintance of mine, Larry, was one of the company’s management. While I was there, I noticed that many of the members of his team talked with him as though he was one of their buddies. The atmosphere in his area of the complex felt very positive and energetic to say the least. The team members that I met that morning and that reported to Larry mentioned that he was a very good manager. Words such as “respect” as well as phrases like “he rolls up his sleeves to help out when needed” were used to describe Larry. Overall, I could tell that many of his team members really enjoyed working with him and for him. They trusted and respected Larry.

Do you know anyone at work like Larry? Someone trusted and respected by his peers and subordinates?  How do you think they got that way?

This same day, there was another gentleman at the headquarters by the name of Mr. Chiracson that (I later found out) was one of the Senior Vice Presidents of the company. According to Larry and some of his other colleagues, he enjoyed using fear and intimidation in order to get things done and to maintain order. To him, if an employee was quiet and always on edge and concerned about his position, he would be a very attentive and productive employee. Have you ever known of a boss or a manager such as this person?  One thing that made Mr. Chiracson a little more interesting was that he would always have a smile on his face when he was talking to an employee. The smile was always more of an arrogant or pompous type of smile where he enjoyed being the boss and being intimidating to an employee by way of him not letting on what he was thinking. It turned out that one of the more common thoughts on his mind when he was talking with a subordinate in the company was, “how could I make this subordinate be a little more on edge about his job so that the company can get the most production out of him?” This was something I discovered later on from one the company’s board of directors who knew Mr. Chiracson and me.

Mr. Chiracson and I had the opportunity to meet in one of the coffee kiosks that were located near the front entrance to the building I was in that day while we were both on line waiting to pay. When I saw him, he was behind me and wearing a company badge with his name and picture on him. During this time, this particular company was not high on security within the front portion of the building and so I was not given a badge to where while at the company. Mr. Chiracson said good morning to me in a somewhat haughty and loud tone. He asked me how I was doing that day. Me being myself and always choosing to be in a good mood and enjoy the day said, “Well actually I’m having a very good and enjoyable day. Thank you for asking.” As soon as I said that, his face changed to more one of surprise and then more of inquisitiveness.  I introduced myself by my first and last name gave out my hand to shake his. He hesitantly took my hand to shake it but it was so limp, it would have been better to not have bothered to shake. One thing that always gives me a negative impression is a weak (dead-fish) type of handshake. It does nothing more than communicate lack of respect, insincerity and/or a low self-image. After I introduced myself, he said nothing but was just looking at me first with an open jaw and then with a look of slight discomfort and I could almost say irritation.

Do you know anyone at work or some organization like Mr Chiracson?  How do you think they got that way?

I will not forget this particular encounter because I later found out from Larry that Mr. Chiracson (believe it or not) never enjoys hearing any of his subordinates or anyone in the company below him for that matter, to be in such a good and relaxed mood. Especially when speaking with him. Now granted I never mentioned that I did not work for the company to Mr. Chiracson, but he never asked me if I did.

By Influence or by Fear…Which is Better?

The reason this sticks out in my memory is that Mr. Chiracson was a Senior Vice President for the company and that such a position requires a great deal of influence ability. It was clear however that Mr. Chiracson, did not use true influence as much as he used fear. A few years later, Mr. Chiracson was dismissed from his position. My friend Larry was later on forced to move on in his career when the company merged with another firm causing this particular location to close its doors.  The irony that I saw happen was that Larry soon found another position from an acquaintance of one of his team members. The new position was a higher level position and Larry was recommended for it by a colleague who saw the position influence he had in the last company he worked in. Mr. Chiracson, I found out was out of work for almost a year from what I was told. There “apparently” weren’t many offers being given to him and from what one person (actually the same person who I mentioned was a board member earlier in this post) told me, it was because his reputation was one of a person who didn’t have influence and really caused a hostile work environment to exist. If a person is perceived as being the cause of a hostile work environment, that is what I call, the “kiss of death” in corporate America today. But that is another topic of discussion…

Would you rather have the power of influence or the power of fear? Why?

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Managing vs. Leading. I’ve heard many things and read many articles about being a manager versus being a leader. At the same time there have been many articles and seminars on what I’ll call the components of a manager and the components of a leader.

Being a leader. Is it the same as being a manager? Is being a good manager the same as being a good leader?  What does coaching and the ability to coach mean when it comes to being a good manager? When it comes to being a good leader? What does guiding have to do with leadership? With managing With directing? A manager has to know how to plan, organize, direct and control but a leader may not know how to plan, organize,  direct and control. Yet they are still a leader!

Managing vs. Leading vs. Directing vs. Guiding vs. Coaching vs. Supervising

What are some of the differences in the above? The meanings for many of them have some overlap, but they are still words with distinct meaning. Here are some definitions for each (according to WordNet):

Directing — showing the way by conducting or leading; imposing direction on. “felt his mother’s directing arm around him”; “the directional role of science on industrial progress”

Guiding —  direct the course; determine the direction of travelling; exerting control or influence; “a guiding principle”

Coaching — to teach and supervise (someone). The first use of the term coaching to mean an instructor or trainer arose around 1830 in Oxford University slang for a tutor who “carries” a student through an exam.

Supervising — managing by overseeing the performance or operation of a person or group; under observation or under the direction of a superintendent or overseer; “supervised play”.

Managing — (in management) the act of getting people together in order to accomplish desired goals and objectives.

Leading — (in management) the  process of social influence in which one person can enlist the aid and support of others in the accomplishment of a common task.

It’s easy to see from above that all the words really have a part in working successfully with a group. Sooner or later, every member of the group will personally be involved in performing one of the above. (In the scope of this post, I’m keeping a distinct separation between “Management” and “Managing”. Why? Because, leadership / leading is an intricate part of management. But it is not the same as managing.)

One saying  I often hear is:

“Managers do things right, while leaders do the right thing.”

This saying may be a little too blatant for my tastes, but it does shed a little light on the views of each type of position. It means that managers do things by the book and follow company policy, while leaders follow their own intuition, which may be more advantageous to the company. Managers use authoritarian and transactional style, which means subordinates have to follow a manager’s  orders while leaders use charismatic and transformational style, which means followers are inspired to follow their leader’s wishes.

Unlike with managers, people follow a leader on their own choice but people have to obey a manager.  In a way, a leader’s authority is derived from effectively balancing the task of being a genuinely accepted member of a group, while having adequate detachment to constantly adjust the course the group is heading. Groups are also usually more loyal to a leader than a manager because the leader is responsible in taking the blame when things go wrong. When things go right, the leader is often last person to accept any recognition for it. He/she often will recognize and thank the group for the success.

In the motivation department, a leader will often use passions and incite emotions to motivate people.  A manager on the other hand will not often use the language of emotions or passions but more often use logical and official methods to motivate people to complete a task. This is why leaders can be seen to be more emotional than a manager.

Risk

“Leaders stand out by being different. They question assumption and are suspicious of tradition. They seek out the truth and make decisions based on fact, not prejudice. They have a preference for innovation.” — John Fenton

Leaders will often appear to be risk-seeking while managers may often appear to be more risk-averse. Therefore, managers look for comfort and seek to avoid conflict where possible while leaders are comfortable with risk by finding ways others avoid and willing to break rules (within reason) in order to get things done.

Leadership. It’s really about coaching, guiding, and inspiring others to reach a goal. Sometimes a leader will stand in front, sometimes to the side, sometimes even behind the people he or she is trying to help reach a goal.

Even if we don’t formally have anyone reporting to us within an organization, we are still leaders because everyone in one form or another has the ability to influence others. So Where Do You Fit In? Manager or Leader? How do you see yourself? The decision one makes about that will determine where they go in an organization (and most likely the way they are seen as well).

Here are Some Great Books that I Highly Recommend on the Above!

If you have any comments on any of the above, or if you have additional thoughts to add, please feel free to share them with us in the comment section below.

Thanks and Take Care!

Gil

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Keeping busy can definitely lead to a sharper and quicker mind. But what if being consistently busy is not getting you the results you want? What if you find that you can’t get everything you set out to do accomplished? Even if you do accomplish it, is it up the caliber you wish it to be? It’s really great to be involved in many great activities and organizations. But if you aren’t satisfied with the quality of the things you are delivering, it may be time to re-evaluate.

 Doing too many things at once can sometimes mean nothing gets done very well, and, all too often, it means nothing gets completed either.

We all have 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week. In that time, we need to find time to eat, sleep, and do the basic everyday chores we need to take care of. On top of that, most of us either have a job, go to school, or run a business. Now try to add socializing, volunteering at events, volunteering for a non-profit organization or two (or three or four). That’s when you realize that the 168 hours in a week is not always enough time to do what you want to do. Especially if you’re someone who, like me, likes to give good work. Whether we accept it or not, what a person does will be associated as part of that person’s brand. The same, unfortunately, can be said about what a person does not do. If a person doesn’t perform or deliver on what they say they are going to do, it leaves a negative impact on the brand of that person.

You will only be remembered in life for two things: The problems you solve or the ones you create.

How do you want to be remembered when you are no longer at an organization? No longer living in the town you live in now? When you are no longer socializing with the same people you socialize with now? Or when you simply moved on from this life? Do you want to be remembered as a person who helped to solve  a lot of problems or as a person who said they would but didn’t deliver and thus caused more problems than what existed prior to you getting involved?

There are many people, me included, who want to accomplish a great many things in life. In the process of doing that we may find ourselves getting involved in too many things. I say it may be too many things because if you’re getting involved in more things than you can handle, then you are guaranteeing that you won’t be giving the things you’re involved with your all. With that said, your inability to give it your all will undoubtedly lead to mental fatigue, and increased irritability. It’s also a key factor in many people being disorganized.

Signs that you may be taking on too many things:

1. You start missing required meetings because you did not have time to be at them.

2. You find it harder and harder to find time to spend with your spouse, or your children.

3. The list of things you commit to taking care of is growing faster than the list of things accomplished.

4. You begin to get tired easily each and every day.

5. You feel like nothing you do is appreciated or makes a difference.

6. A large part of your day is spent on tasks you find either mind-numbingly dull or overwhelming.

7. Every day seems to be a bad day.

Do you find that many of the above items, describes you perfectly? If so, it may be time to re-evaluate all the things you’re doing, all the items you’re committing to and determine what needs to change. As one of my mentors told me a while ago, “Taking a step backwards from time to time may take you a few steps forward.”

What are some of your thoughts on over committing?

Have you ever found yourself in that situation?

If so, what did you do to change it? 

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Every so often I hear business teachers and coaches mention that there is no “I” in the word team. I understand that what is meant by many of them is that one shouldn’t place one’s own needs above that of the team. But all too often some individuals take it to the extreme and basically neglect their own needs in order (as they perceive it) to allow the team to perform at it’s best. This is where the line really needs to be drawn because if one neglects their own needs, then one’s potential contribution to the team can and will be lacking to say the least.

Sometimes a person is part of a team because they’re told by a superior to be part of it, others because they’re asked. Still many others go out and search for a team they can be part of whether it be as part of a job search or a volunteer group. Regardless of which team a person belongs to, that team will never benefit to it’s fullest by you being a part of it, without you receiving back something from the team in return for being a part of it.

Being Part of the Team

We are all to one extent or another a part of a team, whether it be a professional organization, a sports team after work, a group of friends who like to hang out or as a family member. Why do I say that? Because as a member of a team, the way we act (or fail to act) will always in some way shape or form effect other members of the team. We may not always be able to change which team we belong to (e.g. being born into a family), but in cases of teams we choose to be part of due to love for a particular cause (a volunteer organization) or due to necessity (a job in order to pay your bills) we must always be cognizant of the fact that each person has their own particular needs.

I’ve joined various teams throughout my life and in some cases, it was truly a joy to be involved . In other cases, I remember feeling like my life energy was slowly being drained out of me when I met or talked with a team causing me to be almost emotionally and psychologically drained afterwards (I’m sure no one has ever felt that feeling before…:-)  ).

Looking back, the times I felt good being a member of a team was when I was able to align the purpose of the team with my own personal needs. Whether it be work or a volunteer organization, aligning the team’s goals with my own personal goals was key to the entire experience of being a team member. In turn, the team got the best from me with regards to enthusiasm, work ethic and ideas. The times when my personal goals did not align with the goals or purpose of the team were the times when I would feel less enthusiastic about being a team member. My work ethic would still be there but the team would not get the best out of me with regards to enthusiasm or ideas. Why? At first I couldn’t understand the reason but later on I realized it was due to the goals of the team not aligning with my own personal goals in some form.

Over time, my enthusiasm would become affected and I’d find myself not enjoying being a member of the team or worse, feeling that the team was doing nothing more than taking up precious time. Time I could be dedicating towards some other cause or endeavor. Whenever that occurs, you start becoming a liability to the team rather than a valuable asset.

Being True to Yourself

Regardless of what team a person is part of, it’s really important to keep one’s personal goals in line with the goals of the team to some extent. Doing so will allow the relationship between you and the team you’re involved with to be mutually beneficial.

In the short term, the time spent with the team will definitely be more enjoyable. In the long term, team members or others outside of the team will more likely see you as a valuable asset to have on other teams.

So why am I saying all this? Because, if you find yourself not enjoying your involvement with a team, then it may be time to look in the mirror and determine whether you should be a part of the team or if you need to move on.

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