Exercise. Some of us dread it, others can’t wait to get to it. It’s true that exercise can become additive and almost an obsession at times to some people (I myself have been bitten by the exercise workout bug). When I’m forced to go more than a couple of days without working out, I find myself having more trouble getting through the day unscathed by life’s all too familiar stresses and challenges.

The other day, I was in the gym working on my cardio and I remember feeling my mind begin to relax and get into what I was doing. It was at that time that I would also begin to remember things that I had thought about earlier. Things that I thought were great ideas at the time I was thinking about them but for one reason or another had forgotten to write down and so forgot the idea. Has that ever happened to you?  Forgetting something you thought earlier was a good idea only to have it escape your mind? Come on, be honest! It’s only you and me here at the moment.

The word “exercise” comes from a Latin root that means “to keep, to maintain, to hold off.” For me exercise has to be one of the most beneficial things in life that we are able to partake in. I’m not just saying that because of the obvious health benefits that one can get from exercising on a regular basis, but more so from the mental clarity that it gives a person.  When a person exercises on a regular consistent basis, toxins from the body are naturally extracted at a higher rate. Muscles that would begin to atrophy over time from lack of use, will in fact remain strong. If one of your goals is to lose weight or maintain the weight you’re at, keeping muscles strong and conditioned make it much easier to do so. When a person’s muscles are strong, weight is at an ideal number and toxins are diminished, a person cannot help but feel better. Both physically and emotionally. Why? Because the way a person physically feels affects their emotional state. This better feeling of themselves usually translates into having a better and more positive attitude in life that can easily be seen by subordinates, colleagues, friends and family.

Leaders who appear physically fit are viewed as better leaders. According to an article on weeklyleader.net:

“Fitness does so much more than just keep the extra weight off and prevent us from blaming the cleaners for shrinking our clothes. It increases mental stamina and endurance as well. It helps one weather stressful events with aplomb, and to keep ones head when all around them are losing theirs. The leader of the group, the one expected to make a good decision under stress and chart an effective course, should take advantage of the extra mental acuity and sharpness that comes with being physically fit.”

I have to say that recently I became a little fascinated with how exercise was helping me to become a better leader and so I decided to see if anyone out there had made any kind of study on the connection. One study that I found, from the Center for Creative Leadership (CCL), found that individuals who exercise are significantly more effective leaders than those who don’t. According to the study, executives who exercise rate significantly higher on skills such as leading others (interpersonal savvy,  inspiring commitment, and creating synergy), leading by personal example and results orientation than non-exercisers.

Probably one of the simplest and easiest exercises to do is to take a walk.  According to the Franklin Institute, walking is very beneficial to the brain because it “increases blood circulation and the oxygen and glucose that reach your brain.” As you walk, you effectively oxygenate your brain. Maybe this is why walking can “clear your head” and help you to think better.

So the next time someone tells you that leadership and exercise do not have anything to do with each other, you can rest assured that you know better and are (hopefully) the wiser.

What’s your favorite exercise?

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Every so often I hear business teachers and coaches mention that there is no “I” in the word team. I understand that what is meant by many of them is that one shouldn’t place one’s own needs above that of the team. But all too often some individuals take it to the extreme and basically neglect their own needs in order (as they perceive it) to allow the team to perform at it’s best. This is where the line really needs to be drawn because if one neglects their own needs, then one’s potential contribution to the team can and will be lacking to say the least.

Sometimes a person is part of a team because they’re told by a superior to be part of it, others because they’re asked. Still many others go out and search for a team they can be part of whether it be as part of a job search or a volunteer group. Regardless of which team a person belongs to, that team will never benefit to it’s fullest by you being a part of it, without you receiving back something from the team in return for being a part of it.

Being Part of the Team

We are all to one extent or another a part of a team, whether it be a professional organization, a sports team after work, a group of friends who like to hang out or as a family member. Why do I say that? Because as a member of a team, the way we act (or fail to act) will always in some way shape or form effect other members of the team. We may not always be able to change which team we belong to (e.g. being born into a family), but in cases of teams we choose to be part of due to love for a particular cause (a volunteer organization) or due to necessity (a job in order to pay your bills) we must always be cognizant of the fact that each person has their own particular needs.

I’ve joined various teams throughout my life and in some cases, it was truly a joy to be involved . In other cases, I remember feeling like my life energy was slowly being drained out of me when I met or talked with a team causing me to be almost emotionally and psychologically drained afterwards (I’m sure no one has ever felt that feeling before…:-)  ).

Looking back, the times I felt good being a member of a team was when I was able to align the purpose of the team with my own personal needs. Whether it be work or a volunteer organization, aligning the team’s goals with my own personal goals was key to the entire experience of being a team member. In turn, the team got the best from me with regards to enthusiasm, work ethic and ideas. The times when my personal goals did not align with the goals or purpose of the team were the times when I would feel less enthusiastic about being a team member. My work ethic would still be there but the team would not get the best out of me with regards to enthusiasm or ideas. Why? At first I couldn’t understand the reason but later on I realized it was due to the goals of the team not aligning with my own personal goals in some form.

Over time, my enthusiasm would become affected and I’d find myself not enjoying being a member of the team or worse, feeling that the team was doing nothing more than taking up precious time. Time I could be dedicating towards some other cause or endeavor. Whenever that occurs, you start becoming a liability to the team rather than a valuable asset.

Being True to Yourself

Regardless of what team a person is part of, it’s really important to keep one’s personal goals in line with the goals of the team to some extent. Doing so will allow the relationship between you and the team you’re involved with to be mutually beneficial.

In the short term, the time spent with the team will definitely be more enjoyable. In the long term, team members or others outside of the team will more likely see you as a valuable asset to have on other teams.

So why am I saying all this? Because, if you find yourself not enjoying your involvement with a team, then it may be time to look in the mirror and determine whether you should be a part of the team or if you need to move on.

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Empathy enables a person to establish a connection with others and is necessary for mutual interaction and full comprehension of the experience. It is probably one of the most important aspects of being a leader in every situation. Without it, a person is virtually guaranteed to become out of touch with the environment, he or she is in. Without empathy, a leader cannot lead. Without empathy, a person cannot be in any type of mutually beneficial relationship. Without empathy, a person is basically asking to be completely alone in life.

Have you ever wished to be more empathetic in order to become a better leader? In order to have a better relationship with a friend, loved one or colleague?

There are many great and free resources about empathy available. Here are some great articles, posts and videos that talk about empathy and it’s importance in leadership, parenting and relationships: 

1. 5 Tips for Empathetic Listening — Really a quick read from Stepcase Lifehack on the five simple steps one can use to be more empathetic. 
2. Are You Empathetic or Sympathetic? — A brief post by Robbie Miller Kaplan (author of the book “How to Say It When You Don’t Know What to Say”) on how he words sympathy and empathy are often thought to be the same, and yet they are distinct expressions. 
3. Avoiding the Five Pitfalls to Becoming an Empathetic Listener — A very concise article about why more people are not better empathetic listeners. 
4. Being a Good Manager/Mom: Be Empathetic — Quick post from Sarah Rottenberg who describes it well by saying that a recent post got her “thinking about what I think it takes to be a good manager. And I think it’s simple: be empathetic.” 
5. Empathetic Voice Improves Doctor-Patient Communication — Doctors who use an empathetic voice with patients can elicit more information about their health problems and encourage them to stick to their treatment regime, a Monash researcher has found. 
6. Empathetic Understanding and School Leadership Preparation — a paper written by Diane Ketelle and R. Pete Mesa, Mills College. Successful leaders seem to share one thing in common – empathy. The authors posit that empathic understanding is foundational to leadership. 
7. Empathy and Showing Empathy — Interesting article descibing the importance of empathy in leadership positions. 
8. Empathy is in Our Genes — a quick read from the Thaindian News website citing a few research studies on the topic. 
9. Empathetic Customer Service — a short article on how empathy played such an important role in the lasting of one of America’s successful companies of it’s day. 
10. Exercise in Creative Classroom Management — How to Become a More Empathetic Teacher – The title speaks for itself. 
11. Gandhi’s Neurons: The Practice of Empathy – Article by Bruna Martinuzzi on 
12. How to be an Empathetic Listener – article on steps for being a better listener with empathy. 
13. How Empathetic are You? — Interesting article with a link to a test where one can determine their Empathy Quotient. 
14. How to Practice More Empathy in Your Business Management — Sometimes it’s hard to be a business manager, especially when you are in difficult situations with your employees. One of the important things that you need to exercise in these difficult situations is empathy.
15. How to Teach Your Kids to be Empathetic – A story post from the website “Effective Parenting” that gives a good example of the results of teaching empathy to a child.
16. Make Empathetic Listening your Super Power — a very good article on being empathetic.
17. Mirror Neurons – Video of discussing a recently discovered system in the brain that may help explain why we humans can get so worked up watching other people.
18. Principles of Empathic Communication — From Leadership University, an itemized summary of “Habit 5 — Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood” from Stephen Covey’s “THE SEVEN HABITS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PEOPLE”.
19. Resilience: Compassion and Empathy — The quality of your relationships, and not the quantity of them, is what matters for you in terms of your emotional resilience. One of the attributes that differentiates people with higher quality relationships from people with lower quality relationships is their ability to be compassionate and empathetic.
20. The Art of Empathetic Listening — an article by Gian Fiero, an educator, speaker and consultant who specializes in business development, career planning, and personal growth issues.
21. The Benefits of Empathic Listening – an article with some good guidelines for understanding and being a empathic listener.
22. The Caring Child: How to Teach Empathy – Good article of giving a child a head start in having the ability to be empathetic.
23. Three Steps to Empathetic Listening — Oftentimes, people are too busy, they don’t make the effort, or they simply don’t know how to listen empathetically to others. And it is because of this that people have difficulty getting in touch with their feelings and they harbor negative emotions about others.
24. What’s Empathy Got to Do With It? — a very good article by describing empathy in detail along with ten leadership tips on being more empathetic.
25. What is Empathy? How to be Empathetic – Very short and concise article by Gwendolyn Cuizon on empathy.

If you know of other good articles on the subject of empathy that you believe someone else needs to read or know about, share it with us in the comments below!

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Last week I was fortunate enough to be a participant in a two day leadership retreat. I was one of among thirty or so regional leaders chosen for a year long training program where participants will be involved in the development of a community based project. The two day leadership retreat was the first time everyone involved in the year long training program would be getting together. When I found out that I was going to be one of the people chosen to go through the course, I was really happy and looking forward to being part of the group. That was back in November of last year.

As the time for the retreat come closer, I began to think about how the retreat would be handled by the staff organizing it. After all it was suppose to be the first in a series of learning workshops for the coming year and the tone of the first program in the process would most likely be the tone to expect in future trainings. For me, not knowing what to really expect caused a little bit of anxiety for me but at the same time I still was greatly looking forward to it.

The location of the two day retreat was just over an hour from where I live. People in the group had the option of going to the retreat center on a private coach rented by the organization holding the retreat, or to go by car. Since the organizers hinted that the retreat would actually be starting on the bus on the way over I chose to take the bus ride. I will say it was a fun bus ride, I got to learn about some of the people who were going on the retreat with me. Coincidentally, one person I got to know was actually someone I was communicating with via the social media world. Thomas Clifford is more known to many in the northeast as “Director Tom”. For those of you who don’t know him, check out his blog!

Once we all got to where we would be spending the next two days, we got to work on various team building, leadership development and personal self-awareness exercises. There was also plenty of instruction given on the various areas of leadership to complement the exercises. For me, some of the facilitation seemed to almost cross the line of sounding as though they were facilitating to grammar school children. Author’s personal note: I’m not the type of personality that takes very well to a learning environment where instructors sound as though they are speaking to grammar school children. But given the number of people that were there (two to three facilitators for thirty to forty participants) each with a distinct personality, it would be difficult for anyone’s teaching style to please or be taken well by everyone.

I Needed to Make a Choice

Being that I was chosen to participate in the group, and the year long leadership training that went along with it, I chose to keep one very important aspect…an open mind. That said, the next two days turned out to be very eye-opening to me. Why? Because I was able to get a much better understanding about others as well as myself. Not saying that it was some sort of religious experience necessarily, but I did learn a great deal more than I expected. Looking back now in retrospect, I would not have been able to get as much out of those two days or learn as much as I did if I didn’t choose to keep an open mind and listen to what others had to say. That alone taught me the most because how many things would I have missed or have go over my head if a decided to keep a closed mind (remember I mentioned earlier that I was interpreting the teaching style of some of the facilitators as “grammar school teaching style” like).

Do you remember a time when you decided to keep your mind closed when someone was telling you something you didn’t agree with or believe? Was it possible that you missed an important lesson in the process? Do you remember a time when you chose to keep an open mind when someone was telling you something you didn’t believe or agree with?  I guess it can be more comforting to think YOUR way is the only right way…they say ignorance is bliss. But at what cost?

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The other day I was talking with a close family friend who I hadn’t seen in a number of years. I asked him how he was doing and what he had been up to since the last time I spoke with him. His name is John and he mentioned to me that he had been doing given the circumstances of being out of work for a period of time. He’s now working once again, but not in the area he was originally working in. I asked him where he was working now and he told me he was working for a small marketing company doing some marketing in addition to some IT (Information Technology) work for them.

I was surprised that John was doing marketing because for most of my life, he was the engineering type who enjoyed tinkering with gadgets of all types. His main career for the past 25 or so years had been in the computer industry so when he mentioned that he was now doing marketing I found it really interesting. I had to ask how a person in their early 50’s, who has been working for so many years in one field, goes from working in the computer industry to working in the marketing industry. John mentioned that he always found the computer field very rewarding, but that recently he had been looking at other areas to apply his mind to. When he was laid off earlier last year, he decided he needed a change for himself.

“That was an interesting change” I told him. I then asked him how he was able to “break into” the marketing field at this stage in life. “I wasn’t aware that you knew enough about marketing to go into it” was my exclamation. He told me he didn’t. He thought he knew a little about marketing, but when he looked for positions in marketing, he quickly found out (unfortunately during interviews) that he really didn’t know much at all. John told me that this made him self-conscious at the thought of applying for any more marketing positions. But instead of giving up, John said he decided to learn as much as he could about the aspects of marketing. He enrolled in a couple of summer courses at a local community college in his hometown. At the same time, he went to the library and read up on marketing careers, professional marketing companies, marketing consultation and almost every area of marketing he was able to get his hands on. He also did research on the internet.

After doing this level of self education on marketing, and after the two summer courses were done, he proceeded to start applying for marketing positions once again. The result, he had a couple of job offers within a month or so of applying. Today he is really happy at what he is now doing. What stuck out to me during this whole conversation is that many people I know, many of which are younger than my family friend John, look at themselves as too old to learn a new field or trade. I was never a follower of such a philosophy and here was living proof that it is possible to learn new things at any age. As my late grandfather (R.I.P.) found out in the last few years of his life, after learning about emailing and computers in his mid-eighties (and writing electronic articles for his town paper in this manner), we never really loose the ability to learn. Some people just allow themselves to believe they aren’t able to learn anything new.

What would you like to learn about?

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A while ago I read a story about an elderly man who approached the famous nineteenth-century poet and artist, Dante Gabriel Rossetti. The old fellow had some sketches and drawings that he wanted Rossetti to look at and tell him if they were any good, or if they at least showed potential talent.

After looking over the first few carefully, he knew that they were worthless and showed no sign of artistic talent. But Rossetti was a kind man, and he told the elderly man as gently as possible that the pictures were without much value and showed little talent. He was sorry, but he could not lie to the man.

The visitor was disappointed, but seemed to expect Rossetti’s judgment. He then apologized for taking up Rossetti’s time, but would he just look at a few more drawings — these done by a young art student?

Rossetti looked over the second batch of sketches and immediately became enthusiastic over the talent they revealed. “These,” he said, ” these are good. This young student has great talent. He should be given every help and encouragement in his career as an artist. He has a great future if he will work hard and stick to it.”

Rossetti could see that the old fellow was deeply moved and asked, “Who is this fine young artist?” he asked, “Your son?”

“No,” said the old man sadly. “It is me — forty years ago. If only I had heard your praise then! For you see, I got discouraged and gave up — too soon.”

The author of the above story is unknown, and this story has been mentioned in many books, blogs and seminars. For me it’s a perfect example of how much some encouragement can mean to a person who may need it in their life. We may not always know when a person needs the encouragement or we may not see the result of it, but giving encouragement may be one of the most powerful tools each of us has in positively changing our world.

A Person with a Gift that Was Never Opened

The above story always reminds me of something that happened to one of my uncles. He always wanted to learn how to play the piano. Now in his early sixties, he noticed me playing piano and then guitar one day. He looked at me with a strange and at the same time proud look. After I was finished playing he came over to the piano and started playing a little bit. His level of playing was more by ear and at a beginner level of playing. I asked him what was on his mind when he was watching me play. His response was, “I wished I learned how to play an instrument at your age.”

When I saw how quickly my uncle picked up a melody and how easy it seemed to him, as a musician myself I realized he had a natural gift for playing music. I asked him why he never started learning an instrument earlier in his life. He told me that while he was in his pre-teens and then his teens, his mother would always be telling him that he didn’t have a musical ear and couldn’t possibly learn how to play an instrument. This discouraged my uncle so much that he accepted what he called his personal “lot in life”. No one ever told him he had a natural talent for music. People would see him in musical instrument stores and in school (playing on the piano) and never say anything to him about it. At the time he was a little too shy to ask another person’s opinion about his musical ability.

Who Would Benefit from Encouragement?

What would have happened to him had someone given him a little encouragement?

Would he have created some of the world’s favorite music? Would the elderly man in the first story have gone on to paint some of the most beautiful images people would ever see? We’ll never really know will we.

Have you ever noticed something in someone else that you believed deserved some praise?

Have you ever seen a person discouraged at something good they are attempting to accomplished? What remarks could we share to uplift that person’s spirits?

“Those who are lifting the world upward

and onward are those who encourage

more than criticize.” – Elizabeth Harrison

We never know how much the encouragement may mean to someone else until we give it. That someone else may be you in the future. Hey…you never know .

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As I write this post, it’s snowing outside, thanks to the courtesy of winter storm Albert coming up the East coast. My town was fortunate to only get 12 to 16 inches. Some other areas of the state got over 24 inches. Due to my injury this past summer, I’m still recovering and medically forbidden from all strong twisting motions that may cause me to re-injure myself. What does that mean? It means I’m not allowed to shovel my own driveway and sidewalk so I’m letting some of the neighborhood kids earn a few dollars shoveling it for me (and no I don’t own a snowblower). In the meantime, I’m stuck at home unable to go out until my driveway is cleared.  This made me think about what I can do with the little bit of time I have until my driveway is clear. “The secret of your future is hidden in your daily routine” is a saying that comes to mind. The first time I read it, I thought how profound yet simple. The funny thing is that I recognized it to be so true. Everyone has the same 168 hours in a week. What we get out of it depends a great deal on what we do with it. At the same time, it also depends on what we don’t do with it.

We all have the choice to choose what we do with our time to some extent of another. Whether it is taking care of our children, going to work, taking care of an errand, you name it we all have something we choose to do…even if it’s doing nothing at all.

What do you like to do when you find yourself with time on your hands?

Today I found myself looking at the choices of watching TV or an on demand movie, reading a book, or catching up on my emails. I decided to give myself some time reading a good book. I haven’t been able to do that in a few days and as I started reading, I began to see the images of the world that the book was describing and the story that was unfolding within its words. I read for a little bit, which for me with a good book is a few hours, and then put the book down after saving my place with a bookmark. Growing up so many of my friends despised reading and they did everything they could to avoid doing the reading assignments from school (Cliff Notes, Book Summary Reviews, etc.). Even as an adult I know so many people who would prefer not to read at all if they could help it.  Of all things that a person can do to weaken the growth in their life, choosing not the read is probably one of the worst.

“Reading is to the mind what exercise is for the body” – Sir Richard Steele

Reading can become addictive and a healthy addiction at that. The benefits that come from reading are always guaranteed and they always come to those who read, regardless of whether they are consciously aware of them or not. It doesn’t matter who you are and what it is that you’re reading, the benefits are always there, provided what you’re reading is not trash.

The most wonderful thing that reading offers is a view into another world. When you pick up a book and start reading it, you begin to lose yourself into it. Studies have proven  that reading offers the mind a healthy escape from the everyday routines of life and allows us to recharge our brains a bit. Reading offers us a chance to see the world from someone else’s eyes, thus broadening our minds to other points of view and new possibilities. Reading is also a great imagination booster and it helps to give people a better sense of creativity. If you ever find yourself needing a new idea for a project at work or simply a fresh design for a new pillow cover, all you need to do is read. It doesn’t mean that you’ll necessarily find the idea you’re looking for in what you’re reading, but the very act of reading allows the mind to wander into another mode of thinking allowing the creative reserves of your mind to flow. Reading has also been shown to help people with focus and concentration.

-Did you know that the average American only reads one book a year?

-And that 60% of average Americans only get through the first chapter?

-CEOs of Fortune 500 companies read an average of four to five books a month.

Why am I saying this about reading? Because of all the things we can do to improve the quality of life, reading has to be the most inexpensive and also one of the most powerful ways to do it.

“Not all readers are leaders, but all leaders must be readers.” — Harry S. Truman

“The ability to read awoke inside me some long dormant craving to be mentally alive.” — Autobiography of Malcolm X, 1964

“You’re the same today as you’ll be in five years except for the people you meet and the books you read.” — Charlie “Tremendous” Jones

“No matter how busy you may think you are, you must find time for reading, or surrender yourself to self-chosen ignorance.” — Confucius

“The more you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.” — Dr. Seuss, “I Can Read With My Eyes Shut!”

I challenge every person who doesn’t read to try the following: For 7 days, plan out 10 to 15 minutes everyday to do nothing but read a book on something you’d like to know more about. Do it at the same time each day if you can. A simple way to choose a book to read is to go to a nearby Border’s or Barnes and Noble and choose a book from their best seller selection. These are usually not expensive and can be bought in paperback form (less expensive than hardcover). After 7 days, see if you notice anything different with the way your mind is. You may notice that you are more focused on certain things than you usually are or you may feel that you are accomplishing more than you’re use to accomplishing. Whatever you notice, I’m willing to wager that you’ll notice some form of positive benefit in your life just by taking a little bit of time each day to read.

What would you like to do better in your life? It’s a good chance that reading will help!

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Today I went to an annual ritual enjoyed by many in the corporate world.  Today was my company’s annual holiday party. Complete with raffles, cash bar and plenty of food, the atmosphere was ripe for mingling between colleagues.  What I personally never fail to notice is how many people come to such parties and then basically sit by themselves with maybe one other colleague. At a similar company party many years ago, I asked one of my then colleagues, who told me he preferred sitting by himself most of the time, why come to the event then?  His answer was, “To be seen.” He wanted others, especially upper management, to see that he was a team player and that he goes out of his way to be at the company party. I couldn’t help but be a little surprised and puzzled by his rational!

That answer stuck with me for a while because here was someone who I respected as a colleague. He was smart in his work and always got the job he was responsible for done. But at the same time I couldn’t help but wonder really as to why even come to the company party if you’re not going to, at the very least, mingle.

One of the biggest benefits of going to company holiday parties is that it gives people the great opportunity to have face to face time with company personnel at all levels. There is no other place that a person can have such an opportunity within the company all at one location. Today I was able to find people who I used to work with a couple of years ago and quickly catch up. It was also nice to run into people I usually converse with via email or phone call and have a face to face conversation. But one of my favorite things to do at company parties (in addition to what I just mentioned) is introduce people I know to other people that I know. I’ve been asked why do this if they don’t necessarily work with each other? The reason is to help place a name with a face.  This has provided the people I’ve introduced with information they can use at a later time if it turns out that one of them actually needs something from the department the other person works in. There have been plenty of times when I’ve needed to find out something or get something done where a person I was introduced to earlier was able to help me out. If I hadn’t met that person earlier, via an introduction from someone else, I may not have been able to get some things done in as timely a manner as they were done. Another, big advantage of attending company parties, such as the annual holiday party, is that you get the opportunity to meet your boss’s, boss’s , boss. Believe it or not, the executive a couple of tables over from where you’re sitting is there so that she can meet the people who are on her team and get to know them.

So if you do in fact go to your company’s holiday party this year, or any other company get together that would occur after work, don’t just be seen!  Get out there and enjoy the opportunity to meet face to face with your colleagues of all levels. Chances are they’ll appreciate you coming over and having a conversation with them. If you’re looking to move up in the company, the ability to talk with others at a company party will give a better impression than if you simply sat at a table and spoke only to the same person for the entire time!

What do you do at company holiday parties?

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Everyone who is in just about every type of endeavor today has a vested interest in being a networker. Today, with the rise of social media and the influence of online networking groups, the need to be able to network with others is more important than ever and that is why I call networking The Great Equalizer.

In today’s world, if one wants to have a successful career or a successful business or organization of any kind, there is really no such thing as a safe haven. The ease of communication across the World Wide Web has enabled virtually anyone in the world to gather some form of information about virtually any topic including you and/or your venture. So what do you want people to know about you?

Online networking vs. in person networking

I’ve been in many conversations with people who are adamant supporters of either online network or in person networking. Many have said, “Yes, both forms of networking are important, but I prefer online networking over in person networking”.  My response is “Why not both?” Both forms of networking have their distinct pros and cons of course.  But when it comes to one or the other, I say go for both and then prioritize how much of your time you’re willing to spend on each form.

One of the pros for online networking versus in person networking is the number of people you can reach in a short amount of time. There are a number of professional and social websites that allow a person to build their network. One of my favorite professional networking sites is LinkedIn.com.  On LinkedIn there are over 50 million professionals connected. Other sites such as facebook, zoominfo.com, Twitter, and Plaxo to name a few are great and they are all very helpful in building your network. One of the cons of online networking is that for all the people you meet online, it’s not always easy to make a strong personal connection when meeting someone online versus in person. When you meet someone in person, there is a strong “human factor” involved.

So what’s the pro of “in person” face to face networking? As mentioned a moment ago, it’s the ability to have the human factor involved. When a person meets someone face to face, there is a stronger sense of the person they are meeting. When people meet each other face to face, the opportunity to read facial expressions, body posture, the feel of a person’s handshake, all add to the overall judgment of one person by another. This to me is one of the strongest attributes of networking. Why? Because when I network with people I enjoy learning about them and what they are looking for when meeting others. For me, I can tell a lot from the way a person speaks with me and the way they greet me or others. For example, ever have someone shake hands with you and it’s like holding a limp dead fish?  If you have, how does that make you feel about the person you’re meeting? If this doesn’t give you a negative impression of the person, then you’re in the minority. Many people do not enjoy shaking the hand of someone who shakes with a limp grip.

According to a University of Alabama study :

“(People) with a firm handshake were more extraverted and open to experience and less neurotic and shy than those with a less firm or limp handshake.”

Studies also show that a person who shakes with a limp dead-fish style grip are seen as not having much confidence in themselves and that they may not be able to be counted on. What type of person would you want to have a personal or business relationship with, a person who can be counted on or a person who can’t be counted on? When you meet someone, wouldn’t it be nice to know if you could count on them or not? At least get a little sense of “Can I believe or trust what this person is saying?” When meeting someone in person the human factor plays a big part. Try shaking someone’s hand via an online connection.

(Please Note: This article is specific to western style cultures. Different cultures have different norms when it comes to face to face networking. So when networking or meeting people in different cultural settings, it’s wise to research the norms of that culture prior to being involved in such a setting.)

Which form of networking is best for me?

This all depends upon a person’s goals. If a person simply wants to meet people to socialize online, they can go online and join the multitude of online social networking forums. If a person wants to meet people and spend more time with others for, let’s say, dancing or book readings, face to face in person networking may be the best option. When it comes to business, I say use both forms and not just one or the other. Both forms of networking are very important and can lead to a relationship that is both enjoyable and mutually beneficial.

Overall, the message here is that both forms of networking are important. In today’s world, it is so easy to make a connection online via a business or social networking group that it is becoming more the norm.

A Great Equalizer

Going back to my earlier description of networking being a great equalizer, I hold it to be true today more than ever because regardless of what form of networking you choose to do, the people in your network will also be networking. As part of their networking, they too will be research others via peers and contacts. The nice thing about networking that I find is that the more you network, the more information is shared. The information shared will always be about a company, organization or an individual and a person’s experience with them. During this interaction, the pros and cons about the person are placed in full view. If the person or organization has done anything unethical, or legally questionable in the past, the information will always come out via networking sooner or later. At the same time, if the person has done good things (e.g. done good work, helped make a connection, succeeded in providing a service as requested, etc.) this will also come out via networking sooner or later.

Probably what is most fascinating is that everyone, regardless of level or position, can gather the information about anyone for any reason. In turn, everyone today has the ability to share information about themselves, or about an organization they belong to or a service they can provide. No longer is the ability to reach someone left to the powerful executive or well connected politician. Everyone now has the same ability, thanks to the forms of networking in use today. So regardless of the person, whether it’s a CEO of a multibillion dollar international company or a freshman in college, people can both gather and provide information about themselves to and for anyone else for any purpose. The playing field has now been set and is now open to all via today’s various forms of networking.

Great Networking Sites

Below are some of the many networking sites that I’ve come across and use either for personal or business reasons. If you know of any others not shown below, why not share them with others via a comment!

1. Biznik.com – An online community of entrepreneurs and small businesses dedicated to helping each other succeed.
2. Classmates.com – Great online community for connecting with people you went to school with.
3. Ecademy.com – A business network for creating contacts and sharing knowledge.
4. Entrepreneur Connect.com – A community by Entrepreneur.com where professionals can network, communicate, and collaborate with others.
5. Eons.com – a social networking site for baby boomers. The site provides games, photo and video sharing, groups, how-to lists, interviews, links and information on health, relationships, fitness, debt, retirement and insurance.
6. Facebook.com – The one and only. This site is one of the most used social networking sites of the internet.
7. Fast Pitch.com – Network where professionals can market their business and make connections.
8. Focus.com – This is a community focused on helping business decision makers and IT professionals make decisions.
9. LinkedIn.com – Probably the number one online business networking site on the internet.
10. Meetup.com – an online social networking portal that facilitates offline group meetings. The site allows members to find and join groups unified by a common interest, such as politics, books, games, movies, health, pets, careers or hobbies.
11. PartnerUp.com – An online community connecting small business owners and entrepreneurs.
12. PerfectBusiness.com – A network of investors, entrepreneurs, and business experts encouraging entrepreneurship and mutual success.
13. Plaxo.com – An enhanced address book tool for networking and staying in contact with your network.
14. Reunion.com – a very good networking site to get back in contact with people you went to school with.
15. Ryze.com – A business networking community that allows users to organize themselves by interests, location, and current and past employers.
16. StartupNation.com – An online group focused on the exchange of ideas between entrepreneurs and aspiring business owners.
17. Talkbiznow.com – an online comprehensive interactive business networking site for business professionals. By displaying how each member is connected to any other member, it visualises the small-world phenomenon.
18. Twitter.com – Probably one of the most powerful networking sites out there. Why? Because it provides people with quick snippets of information. People use this site to share news articles, latest happening links, pictures, and videos in addition to a quick 140 character message.
19. Upspring.com – A social networking site for promotion and social networking.
20. Young Entrepreneur.com – This is a forum-based site for small business owners and entrepreneurs who are passionate about promoting business for themselves and others.
21. Ziggs.com – A professional connection portal founded on the principles of professionalism and respect. People can create their own professional webpage that highlights who they are and what they are about here for free.
22. Zoominfo.com – One of the sites most visited by corporate and individual recruiters looking to fill a position.

For other great books on networking, check out the online store.

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We all have stories to share. Some people have good stories, others have bad ones, but all of them are stories that talk about a person’s life and what they have learned in the process. You may find yourself in the future (if you haven’t already) learning about a personal struggle a close friend of yours is going through. You may find yourself looking at your life in a different way after learning about your friends struggle. I thought it was important for me to share with my readers what a friend of mine told me she was going through for the past year. In actuality she was going through it for most of her life. She just didn’t know it. Her story made me reflect a little on my own life.

A Friend Confided In Me

Recently a friend of mine, Linda, opened up to me about an issue she’s been facing for a long time. She told me last year she was diagnosed with a condition called “double depression”. “I’ve never heard of double depression before.” I told her.  Linda confided in me that she never had heard of it either, but that once she was diagnosed with it she felt both scared and a little bit puzzled. She had never thought anything was mentally wrong with her until a couple of doctors diagnosed her with this condition (she had gotten a second opinion to be sure). When Linda told me this, I was puzzled.

I asked her that if she thought there was nothing wrong, why she went to a doctor. On top of that why choose to go to a psychiatrist of all kinds of doctors to go to. She told me her husband John, after a few years of marriage, had asked her to check with a psychiatrist just to make sure nothing was potentially wrong.  She continued to say that John noticed that she was, over the past year or two, becoming easily aggravated with things and that she appeared to not enjoy much of anything as much as she used to.

John and Linda had known each other for a long time. Having met in college, they were friends (dating other people at the time they met). They hung out in groups with their then significant others and then later on started dating. One thing led to another and they found themselves in love and decided to get married. I have known both John and Linda since college as well and they’ve always had a great relationship. Linda mentioned that their relationship was still strong, but John was just concerned and wanted to be sure. Well, Linda told me that she and John went to a regional teaching hospital that had a reputation for having a very good psychology department. John went with her the first time, she said because she was nervous and a little anxious about visiting a psychiatrist for the first time. She told me that through her teenage years, she had been going to a counselor for what she called bouts of “the blues” that looking back she thought was simply teenage mood swings. The only thing different was that her down moods were much more prevalent and prolonged than the times she felt she wasn’t down. The down moods would last at least a week to even three weeks without letting up

A Diagnosis I’ve Never Heard Of

“The doctor I met with wanted to know everything about the bouts of ‘the blues’ I would have.” Linda told me. “How long they would last, how long the period between being down and how low I would get in comparison to when I felt normal.” She then told me that the doctor had some suspicions but didn’t want to give any diagnosis until he was sure. After a series of more questioning, the doctor told Linda that he believed she suffered from what is called “Double Depression”. Linda asked why. What the doctor told her became like a lightening strike to her she said. During the examination, the doctor (and Linda) discovered that during the times when she felt OK and not down or depressed, she wasn’t exactly happy at all. She felt just “emotionally comfortable”. She never felt better than that. All her life, long as she could remember, she never felt any happier than that. In fact, it turned out she never experienced what it was like to be happy at all. John asked the doctor how that could be. So many times he had witnessed Linda being happy. He then mentioned as few examples where he saw Linda being happy. Always smiling and enjoying herself. Linda then confided in John that she never felt anything more than emotionally comfortable. At time it would simply be emotionally numb. She didn’t want people to be uncomfortable around her so she would always put on a smile and laugh some in order to be in the norm of the moment.  She thought everyone felt that way and that it was normal.

John and Linda decided to get a second opinion with another doctor at a different practice and discovered the second doctor and his office partner giving the same diagnosis of double depression. “This was such an eye opener to me.” Linda told me. “All my life I remember feeling emotionally OK as what I would be feeling whenever I wasn’t sad or depressed. When I was depressed, it would be like that for a couple of days or up to a week. When I was feeling OK it would be for a couple of days. I thought everyone felt that way and that it was simply ‘Yeah, life is hard so get over it and live on’ type of attitude everyone experienced.” All the times in Linda’s life when she wasn’t feeling OK she would just put on a content face and live day to day. When she was feeling OK was when she would put on a smile. To me this sounded strange at first but looking at it from her perspective I understood her reasoning. Growing up we all get accustomed to the apparent norms in life. The way others act around situations, the way people behave on a day to day basis and the way we ourselves fit into the entire life equation.

As I heard Linda telling me all this, I found myself appreciating my own life a little more. I knew how it felt to be happy. I never felt just OK or emotionally numb when I was “feeling my best”. Linda on the other hand never experienced that all her life.

Linda then asked, “Have you noticed if I seemed more relaxed or a little different the past 6 months?” I had to admit that my girlfriend and I had commented on more that one occasion on how Linda seemed to have changed recently. She seemed to be enjoying things more and have even become a little more outgoing than we were use to seeing. All good things we thought. “The person who has seen the most change was John. He seems to be much happier in our relationship. Not that he wasn’t happy before.” Linda mentioned. “It’s just that John was concerned there was more to it and he wanted to be sure.”

“So what causes double-depression?” I asked and Linda said that the doctors aren’t quite sure what causes it. What they do know is that many people have made great improvements with the use of some medications. “I was nervous at first. Not knowing what the medications would be doing to me.” Linda said.  The only experience she had with these types of situations was what she saw in many movies and television shows (shows where people in psychiatric wards of clinics and hospitals acted all strange while being on medications for mental conditions). The doctor told her that many times the reason for depression is a chemical imbalance that may exist in the body and that certain medications may help the body better regulate itself. With that said she said she decided to give it a try with the medication and have the doctors keep tabs on her with periodic check up to see how things are going. Many of the medications that help the body regulate the chemicals it naturally produces can and will most likely take a few weeks for a person to notice any difference.

After a month of starting the new medication, she noticed a little bit of a change. The one who noticed the most was her husband John. She wasn’t as snappy at him or others, and she seemed to be enjoying her time more was what John told her. As time went on (weeks/then months) her whole family noticed the change. A change for the better she said. She was calmer and not as quick to pre-judge people or give a snappy opinionated sounding remark on something she didn’t agree with. “There was one other thing,” Linda told me, “I started to feel a strange feeling. I never felt this feeling before and so it was making me a little nervous and at times scared. The funny thing I came to realize is that the feeling I was now feeling was happiness.” Linda had never really experienced the emotion of happiness in her life. “It was such an alien feeling to me. I was more than comfortable. I felt as though I was enjoying the day more. The time I was having just walking from one point to another. After work, I’d be walking to my car a few blocks away and I remember feeling good. Almost too good I thought. That is what got me scared a little. Meeting with my doctor, and discussing it with my husband, is when I realized the emotion was happiness.” Linda told me. “I found myself looking out the window of the building I work in or sitting at home looking at pictures I had on my wall of family and friends and thinking ‘I really am grateful to have such a loving family and many good friends.’ ”

An Interesting Epiphany Came My Way

As I was hearing all this, it made me wonder how many other people out there take happiness for granted. Hearing Linda tell me all this made me look a little bit at myself. Have I ever fully appreciated the friends and family that I have? Have I ever appreciated the life that I was leading? Linda was already in her early thirties and it wasn’t until then that she, for the first time in her life, experienced the feeling of happiness. Once she did, it made her truly appreciate the things she had. How fascinating that it was this new experience in joy that opened up a new world for her.  I couldn’t even being to imagine how it would be to not be able to know what happiness was. Linda then said, “One of the reasons I’m letting you know about what I was going through is because you’re one of my close friends and we’ve known each other a long time. Also, since having this new experience, I wanted to share with friends and family how important our lives are and how grateful I am for sharing my life with them. After experiencing happiness for the first time in my life, I found that life was meant to be enjoyed. No longer was I emotionally numb and just moving through life doing what I needed to do at work and at home. Now I was actually seeing the joys and opportunities life gives us everyday.”

Wow, that message was a strong one for me. I know that life is too short and meant to be enjoyed everyday, but I did not and could not place myself into the experience that Linda was feeling now since her initial diagnosis and treatment. I guess we all really can appreciate the joys and opportunities we have in life as long as we think about how it would be without them. How it would be without a family. How it would be without friends. How it would without the ability to drive, or the ability to walk, or the ability to see or hear. These are things many of us take for granted. But every so often, it’s good to stop for a moment and reflect a little on the things we have and how our life might be different if we didn’t have them. Linda’s experience helped me to start periodically reflect on this. I now set up a little bit of time every couple of days or so (like after work or in the morning) to reflect on the things I have and the people in my life.

Have you ever reflected on the things in your life that you were grateful to have? Have you ever truly appreciated your family? Have you ever really appreciated your friends? What are some of your thoughts on the above story. Do you have any stories in your life that caused you to reflect?

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