Helpful Insights Online» Networking

Increasing Likeability

Gil Pizano — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 15:59:49 +0000

We all know there are many great blogs out in the online world of the internet. One of my personal favorites is Guy Kawasaki’s blog. Through his blog, he releases many tidbits of wisdom and knowledge. In addition to being the co-founder of Alltop.com (an “online magazine rack” of popular topics on the web) and the previous “chief evangelist” of Apple, he is also the author of ten books including Enchantment, Reality Check and The Macintosh Way. According to Guy, when it comes to being successful in life, your likeability is a key factor. Regardless of one’s age, nationality, knowledge or experience, how likeable they are will determine how effective they will be in most situations. What are ways in which you can increase your likeability?

When it comes to increasing likeability, Guy Kawasaki has some pretty down to Earth ideas. Below is a chart that he shares in his book Enchantment. I liked it so much I wanted to share it here with you…enjoy!

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You Can Tell a lot from a Person’s Handshake

Gil Pizano — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 01:03:27 +0000

This is probably a topic that has been beaten down so much that I’m almost embarrassed to write about it. But I can’t help it. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they shake hands with you. Whether they intend to let you know or not. How can that be? How do you know if the person doesn’t have a weak hand or some other medical condition preventing them from doing any other type of handshake other than as though you are shaking hands with a piece of tissue paper? Or maybe the person does not know their own strength (which is why I can’t feel my hand for a few minutes after I shake it with him)? How can you really tell a lot about a person by the way they shake hands with you? Read on and I’ll share some thoughts on that very topic…

A New Director, a New Boss

A number of years back, I was working at a large corporation in a department that supported a number of infrastructure areas. There were so many areas being covered by the group that I often wondered why all this responsibility was being placed under one group and not a few groups. Personally I thought there had to be changes coming because sooner or later something was going to break and when it did, it wouldn’t be pretty. Around the same time, the company was beginning to go through some financial difficulties that caused the rumor mill to begin working overtime. What was a main rumor topic? It was, “I hear there is a potential RIF coming!” (RIF = Reduction in Force or staff). This was enough to make many people become a little uneasy about the future of their positions at the company.

Soon after employees started hearing the buzz about a possible RIF, the vice president in charge of the division I was working in hired a new Director to run many of the organizations including mine. Usually when someone comes into a new position of leadership, they want to make their mark in the company. A way they usually do that is by re-organizing the departments.

My team had an opportunity within the next week or so to meet with the new director. During the meeting he told us that he had no intention of performing any re-organizations of the group I was a part of what-so-ever. He was smiling and sounded sincere. At the end of the meeting, when I went to shake his hand, he held my hand in a way and I almost wasn’t even feeling his hand there. It was almost as though he really didn’t want to shake my hand. More interestingly about the handshake was that as soon as I shook his hand, the feeling that this person was insincere and flat out lying to me was the first thing that flashed across my mind. Personally, I was taken completely off guard to the impression I received from him through his handshake. A sense of fear for my job at the time almost automatically came over me. Don’t know why, but it did. There were so many of us in the group that he actually wound up shaking my hand a second time before we left the room. Again, my feeling after the first handshake was re-enforced. After the meeting, many of the people in the department and I in separate meetings were discussing our impressions about the new director. What came out? How he made them feel as they shook hands with him. They all felt the exact same thing I did.

So what happened at that company later on with this new director? Ten days later I come into work to discover this new director has resigned and accepted a position at another company closer to his home. For a person at that level, a new position doesn’t just come about so quickly. There are numerous interviews that occur before an offer is made let alone a formal acceptance and confirmation. For me, that kind of explained the insincere feeling we all received from his handshake. It was pretty clear that this new director had no intention of staying with my company. He was simply buying his time with a paycheck to cover his immediate expenses until a better deal for him came about and there was already something in the works for him before he started with my company.

Types of Handshakes and What They (May) Say About You

Below are some forms of handshakes and what they often say about a person. Please note though that handshake expectation differs depending upon the culture the exchange is occurring in. With that said, the information below is based upon most Western cultures. Even within Western cultures, specific community groups may have their own views on what is proper and what is not for a handshake (e.g. It’s considered rude and completely unacceptable for a man to offer a handshake to a Hasidic Jewish woman if he is not the woman’s husband).

The Lingering Hand Shake: A standard hand shake with an extra few shakes and holding on for just a few seconds. I find this often happens when old friends meet or with a good bye to someone dear. Among business people, it can give a bit of a chance to communicate positive thoughts. Make sure to only do this with someone you know very well or else it can be taken in a completely wrong way.

The Water Pump: Similar to the lingering hand shake. With a water pump handshake, the person gets a hold of you and then they will pump your arm as if they are attempting to pump water out of an old fashioned faucet. Often, a water pumper will pump your hand anywhere from seven to ten times to even fifteen times before they stop. Once they stop pumping, they usually hold onto your hand until you work it out of their grasp. Usually accomplished by pulling away forcefully.

The Push Off: This is when at the end of the handshake your hand is pushed away. It may be subtle but it could be read as a negative message by the person on the receiving end of the push.

The Pull In: The handshakes results in one pulling the other closer. This often speaks of a controlling body language. How would you feel if someone pulled you closer to them while shaking your hand?

The Superior: If offered first palm down, it indicates superiority. It is the body language of a controlling person.

The Lesser: If offered first, palm up, it could indicate humility and that a person is there to serve.

The Finger Cruncher: Rather than grabbing across the palm, the fingers are grabbed and crushed. Is it sporty to give pain someone else a little pain during a handshake? This one can be painful. The person who does the finger cruncher will say they can’t judge their own strength but if you pay attention, note that they won’t do this while shaking a woman’s hand.

The Bone Cruncher: Much like the finger cruncher, the same vice like grip is around the hand. Enough said. Please see comment to the Finger Cruncher above.

The Palm Pincher: This is usually from a woman, and only a few fingers and thumb grasp the palm for the shake. This is actually the norm for a woman in some cultures. If a man shook your hand this way, it could be taken as being from a person who does not want to shake hands with you. Insincerity can often pop into a person’s head when a man shakes hands this way.

The Twister: This may start off as a normal shake but ends up with one twisting and putting the other on top. Sometimes a person is meaning to show warmth of empathy with this type of handshake, but quite often it’s interpreted to show a person to be of a controlling personality. Especially if it is incorporated with a pull in by the shaking hand prior to the other hand going on top. This type of handshake can also be seen as intrusive, or simply too personal.

The Dead Fish: This is one of my least favorites of all! It’s a cold, unemotional, sometimes wet shaking of hands. It is basically the definition of complete indifference towards the person they are shaking hands with. (Note: There are times when the person giving a “dead fish” type handshake may have a physical aiment giving them an inability to grip a person’s hand any stronger.)

The Left Handed Shake: Those that give a left-handed handshake are seen as at the very least a little strange and at the most as down-right insulting. To some people it’s as bad as spitting in their face. Want to know why? In some cultures, you wipe your backside with your left hand. In many western cultures this is seen as a sign of complete disrespect to the other person so why would you do it in the first place.

There are just a few of the different types of handshakes out there. What are some comments or examples of handshakes that you’ve seen and experienced?

Cheers!

Gil

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Let’s Do Lunch! (…You Call Me)

Gil Pizano — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 04:11:34 +0000

Sometimes you have to choose between staying in touch with a person and rarely ever connecting. There are many people I’ve met who will say, “Let’s get together for lunch or coffee”. Maybe even meet up on a Friday or a Saturday night at a regional club or restaurant. What’s funny though about some of these people is that unless you call them, you never hear from them. Oh, they do respond to an email, text or phone call. But unless you’re the one initiating the connection, a long time will go by without an ounce of evidence that they even know you. What’s up with that??

Was It Something I Said or Something You Said?

It can really be amazing when a person asks you to get together for lunch or something of the sort and then they “only” expect YOU to contact them. True meaningful relationships are always a two way street. Now there will always be times when one person becomes so busy that they don’t reach out to anyone, and yes I’ve been guilty of that many times. But, when you notice a person is always expecting you to call them, that can say something entirely different and that’s when you may need to re-analyze the relationship you have with that person.

The other day I was at an event where I ran into a person that I’ve known for a few years. That person is looking for new employment opportunities because he knows he is going to be laid off in a couple of months. What’s odd is that he’s known this for a few months already – Yes, I can just here the people out there reading this post who may just have been laid off themselves without notice saying, “I wish someone had told me a few months back that I was going to be laid off!”…unfortunately, this person’s situation is not the norm when it comes to layoffs and unemployment. The reason that I say that this was odd was because I had into this same person a couple of months earlier. It was then when he told me that he was looking for other opportunities, not at the current event we were both attending. A couple of months back, he told me that he wanted to touch base with me over lunch or coffee to ask me some advice and see if I had any lead or ideas about possible opportunities that may be out there. Since that other event a couple of months ago, he never reached out to me to see if we could set something up. What does that say? Hey, maybe there is something that he is not saying about what he thinks of me? Maybe he is just forgetful? Maybe he’s really not serious about what he said a couple of months back when he told me he was looking for a new opportunity?…I really can’t say the reason. What I can say is that in all relationships, the communication and more importantly the “initiation of communication” needs to be a two way street.

Should You Be the Initiator…Always?

Should you always be the person to initiate a conversation or meeting between friends all the time? Some say yes, some say no, other’s say, “Does it really matter?” On that last one, I say it does to a point. It all depends upon what you think of that person and if they are really someone you want to dedicate a portion of your time to. Even if that portion is only getting together for coffee or lunch, which is time that you could be doing something else. Time is a precious asset in a person’s life. Is it for you? I’m not really going to give you or anyone an answer to that last question because it’s really up to you if you want to keep up a relationship with that person.

What Say You?

This is always the interesting part…asking for other’s opinions. What can you really say about people who always say they want to connect with you but unless you initiate the connection, you never hear from them. How would that make you feel after a while when you realize that, unless you make the effort to reach out to someone, you never hear from them? I say again, true relationships are always a two way street. True relationships, true friendships, are always a two way street. What say you?

…Cheers!

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The Anti-Networking Process of the Five B’s

Gil Pizano — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 00:42:37 +0000

Networking or Anti-Networking, which one should you do? It all depends upon the results you want. Burning Bridges Before Being Built is also known as the “Anti-networking process of the 5B’s”and it seems to be affecting more and more people today than ever before. Ok, I don’t have any scientific study that would substantiate my last statement, but it seems like that recently with some individuals.

Anti-networking is exactly as it sounds. It’s what people do whenever they want to breakdown or destroy their network. The biggest irony is that most, if not all, people who do anti-networking are not aware that they are doing it. Sometimes they believe they are actually networking rather than anti-networking. Go figure!

When meeting someone new at a function or networking event, my main goal is to sincerely get to know them. I make it a point to never make any assumptions about a person until I’ve had a chance to speak with them. Note that I say speak “with” them instead of speak “to” them. There is a difference.

“Every man is my superior in that I may learn from him.“
– Thomas Carlyle

What are the chances that someone I’ve just met is someone that I have a superior intellect over? Or is someone that has a less experience than me in a particular field? Or is simply someone I don’t care to associate with? I can easily say that unless I speak with them, there is no way for me to truly answer that question.

I’m Graduating with my MBA this Week!

I was fortunate enough to have been invited to a party a few weeks ago at a friends place in mid Connecticut. It was a really nice time. Met many new people and had a lot of nice thoughtful conversations. There was one person who told me they were graduating the coming weekend and that they were finishing up their MBA. It turns out that she was graduating from my Alma Mata! I said that that was wonderful and I proceeded to congratulate her on her accomplishment. I also mentioned that I graduated from the same school. She said thanks and proceeded to tell me how happy she was with having completed her degree. The next 20 minutes was basically listening to her telling me how proud she was that she had her MBA and what she was going to do now that she had it. She told me how she was going to be connecting with different business people to see where she can land a new job. I listened attentively, nodding my head every now and again to let her know that I was still listening and paying attention. What was funny to me was that I never said more than probably five words to her in those twenty minutes. She really didn’t give me much of a chance to and she appeared to not care about anything I had to say. She was so excited about graduating and getting her degree that she kept talking and talking and talking. No problem there because I was sincerely interested in what she was saying.

After she was done talking about her plans and all, she proceeded to say “it was nice to meet you. Excuse me” and walk away. Hmm…that was odd. The next thing I see is her starting a conversation with someone else. “OK”, I thought to myself. “Did I say something wrong?” How could I have, I really didn’t have much of a chance to say anything at all. No matter, I mentally shrugged my shoulders and proceeded to enjoy the party. This person was happy to be graduating with her MBA and she was looking forward to connecting with people to see where she could land a new job. “Good for her!” I thought, and I wished her luck.

Be Careful What You Wish For

There was an event a couple of weeks after the party that was being put on by a local young professionals and entrepreneur organization that I belong to. The event was a networking slash promotion event promoting the opening of a new burger take out restaurant at a local food court. It was well attended and I ran into many people that I knew already. It just so happened that I also ran into the same girl from the party I attended a couple of weeks earlier. This time however, she didn’t say hello to me and almost pretended to not know me. No problem I said and I proceeded to say hello to her by name. She looked at me and proceeded to act as though she didn’t know me. OK…no problem. She apparently didn’t want to acknowledge that we had spoken before. “I wonder why?” I thought to myself. No matter, it’s always my choice whether I choose to enjoy an event or not. You may think that she was being rude (and of course she was) but it takes a lot more than that to make me not enjoy a public event. Life is simply too short. You can’t always control what happens to you but you can always control how you react to what happens.

One thing that will stay in my mind though is how she acted with me at this event. She’s just someone I met once at a party a couple of weeks earlier but she just made a negative impression on me and that will stay in my memory. For whatever reason, she burned a bridge before it was even built. At the party from a couple of weeks earlier, she said she was looking forward to networking with people to see where she could land a new job. “How funny is that”, I thought to myself. This very week a colleague of mine was telling me that they had a couple of management positions available and that he was looking for someone with fresh ideas. Maybe someone who just got their MBA would be a good fit. What a pity…I thought I may have known someone, and I may have been able to make a connection for that someone who was looking as they had told me they were, but that person decided that I wasn’t worth her time to continue the connection with. A classic anti-networking scenario. Why burn bridges before they’re built? You never really know how someone you just met may be able to help you our with something important either directly or indirectly. The one person you inadvertantly alienate may be the one person you need to meet. Worst yet, why create an enemy of someone you don’t even know. If there was ever a recipe for foolishness, this would most definitely be among the ingredients.

What are your thoughts on the above story? What are your thoughts on networking? Inquiring minds want to know…Cheers!

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Winning Friends and Influencing People

Gil Pizano — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 09:59:31 +0000

It’s interesting how many people out there want to rewrite the rules in life. They want to rewrite them so that it fits their chosen lifestyle. Some even say, “I play by my rules”. Have you ever heard anyone say that? One can say that’s a courageous attitude to take. Others may say that’s a very unrealistic, even childish attitude to take. It’s OK to make your own rules, just be prepared for when the rest of the world confronts you about them (and doesn’t agree). Some rules of life are rules that cannot be changed or altered. Why? Because people are people!

One of my favorite books is Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”. It’s probably one of the most read books when it comes to the art of relationship building. If you’re a person who truly wants to learn about understanding people (as well as yourself) better, then this is a book that I highly recommend. I periodically re-read this book in order to not become rusty on the teachings it provides. Here are a few golden nuggets from it that have helped me and many of my colleagues and friends:

Six Ways to Make People Like You Better

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.

Believe it or not, I was asked how I could network with people so easily. When I asked that person what he meant by that he told me that it seemed as though I was sincerely interested in the other person. Ding Ding Ding….We have a winner!! Of course I was interested in the people I meet when I networked. Having a sincere and genuine interest in others is key to enjoying a conversation with another human being.

2. Smile.

This is one of the simplest exercises for one to doJ. A smile can brighten someone’s day. A smile can open a door for you when you least expect one. A smile can melt someone’s rudeness (or it may not…but why not try). A smile confuses an approaching frown. There is strong truth in the saying that says, “the world looks better from behind a smile.” Hey, if you smile at someone, they might smile back. Then how would that make you feel?

3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.

This one may sound weird to some of you, but believe it or not it’s true! I was really surprised when I learned this and started to say a person’s name with a little more frequency whenever I was having a conversation with them. What started happening, after I was saying the person’s name with a little more frequency, was that the person started to open up to me more. They started to talk in more detail about the topic we were discussing or about something that they experienced earlier that day. They even at times got more personal with what they chose to disclose about themselves. The only different thing that I did now was to include their name with a little more frequency within the sentences I was using.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Here’s one that many of you have probably come across before or have heard about. A person will always want to talk about themselves when given the opportunity. Why? Because who else knows us better than ourselves. Since we know ourselves better than anyone else, it stands to reason that we’d find it easier to talk about this particular subject more than any other. When a person starts talking about themselves, they begin to naturally get fired up about the conversation. They begin to have enthusiasm. Once that is experienced by a person, that person will easily continue to talk and feel good doing soJ. Be a good listener. Be an active listener, don’t be a lousy listener, and encourage them to talk about themselves more.

5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.

I’m sure no one saw this one coming. What can be more interesting to a person than talking about what’s interesting to them? Nothing, that’s what. No matter how one spins it, a person will generally want to speak and have a conversation with someone (hint…hint…hint) about something that they are interested in.

An approach on this that’s often used by expert networkers is to ask a person, once they find out what the person’s chosen profession, how they got into their line of work. The person will then begin to talk about not the position or occupation, but about how they got into their line of work. To them, having someone interested in their story, no matter how brief or boring is interesting. So the next time you’re in a conversation with someone, be aware of what they say interests them. It comes out in conversation, early on more often than one may think. If you listen and determine what some of their interests are, you’ll be in a better position to make the conversation more interesting to them and more memorable in a positive way. When a person remembers enjoying their conversation with you, most likely that person will want to speak with you again and with more frequency.

6. Make the other person feel important (and do it sincerely).

As I just mentioned above, when another person feels good about the conversation they are having with someone, they most likely want to repeat was caused that feeling. If you can help the other person feel important or help them recognize their value (sincerely), that person will remember how you made them feel and will want to associate themselves with you more often. Note that I emphasized the word sincerely here because if you make a person feel important, and you don’t truly mean it. Once they find out that you’re not being sincere about it, they will want to not spend time with you. Or worse, they may make a strong effort to not associate themselves with anything about you and may go out of their way to let others know about your insincerity towards them potentially damaging your reputation. So let’s be sincere when making others feel important.

When you have a conversation with someone who is not interested in you, you can kind of tell that they’re not interested in you. How does that make you feel? The conversation turns out to not be reciprocal in nature. The rule of reciprocity becomes apparent and either you understand and follow that rule or you don’t. Just don’t be surprised when others don’t want to help you out with something when you’d like them to later on….

What are your thoughts here?

What are some other ways to make people like you?

* * *

Here are some other great sites and articles on winning friends and influencing people:

How to Win Friends

Killer attitude: the rules of unstoppable confidence

Networking and People

The Friendship Blog

Tips To Maintain Friendship With An Ex

Your Smile Didn’t Matter - Seth Godin’s Blog

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