Eye contact says: You’re the only person I’m listening to right now. It is the most overlooked aspect of body language and is easy to forget when you are trying to handle multiple things at once while talking to someone. Looking down or away from them can come off as aloof, especially if the person is telling you about something important or trying to get your attention. Eye contact also says you are comfortable in your own skin. That you are confident and that you are honest.

With eye contact, you want to try and do it with a person as you are speaking and while they are speaking. No need to stare at them of course or they might feel awkward. Just keeping a delicate balance between eye contact and no eye contact can make a world of difference.

The Great Communicator

President Ronald Reagan was known to many as “The Great Communicator”. Many attribute his political success with his ability not just to speak to the American people, but to communicate with them. While he was often given a hard time for his lack of detail, he was able to take things that a public may not understand otherwise and simplify it down to a way that all could understand, including solutions to the issues such as the Cold War. Entire books have been written on Reagan’s ability to communicate, but his reputation as The Great Communicator boils down to three basic traits: he was clear; he was simple; and he was sincere. Being simple and clear is easy for most people to understand and become better at it with practice. The magic ingredient here is being sincere.  How can a person practice being sincere? Let alone communicate with sincerity?  One of the basic parts of communicating with sincerity is making and keeping eye contact.

I’ve been fortunate enough to know a few people who have spoken with Ronald Reagan on a number of occasions, and they all told me of one common characteristic that Reagan had while they spoke with him. They could tell that they were speaking “with him” rather than “to him.” So what do I mean by that? They all told me that when they spoke with Ronald Reagan, it was as if it was only you and him in the room and no one else. Ronald Reagan never took his eyes off the person speaking with him. It wasn’t a blank or cold stare but more so a person sincerely interested in hearing what they had to say at that moment.

Other Great Communicators

So was this trait of eye contact copied by other American presidents? An acquaintance of mine by the name of Charles Garcia was a White House Fellow during the Bill Clinton administration. Charles Garcia is also the author of “A Message from Garcia” and “White House Fellows: Learn How to Inspire Others, Achieve Greatness, and Find Success in Any Organization”. During one conversation with him, he told me how every time he had a chance to speak with President Clinton, he was made to feel as though he and the president were the only people in the room at the moment of the conversation. When I asked him how he did that, Charles mentioned that no matter what else was happening in the room, President Clinton never took his eyes off of him during the conversation. Even when it was such a brief conversation such as when the president and his wife are in a greeting line at an event, when you were face to face with the president, he was looking you straight in the eye with a caring and sincere interest in what you were saying. Charles Garcia also had many similar scenarios where he was able to have a conversation with the following presidential administration of George W. Bush. The experience he felt with President Clinton, he also experienced with President Bush. No matter who else was talking or what else was occurring in the room, the president was looking at him in the eye for the entire conversation. Were both presidents staring at him during their conversations? No. They would occasionally glance down or to the side for a brief second but then go right back to looking at Charles in the eye as they continued their conversation.  

East Meets West

One note to be aware of with eye contact is the interpretation of it that varies by culture. It’s well known that in Western countries such as the United States, giving those in power eye contact is revered. However, in Eastern countries, eye contact with those in a position of power is viewed as rude and disrespectful. It’s important to recognize these differences, since eye contact can mean many different things depending on the setting and the people locking eyes.

Let’s Have Coffee

I was at a recent meeting over coffee with someone who I met the week prior. It was just the two of us getting together to converse about what each one of us did and how we may be able to help each other out with business and/or connections. She was a very well-spoken person who had a lot of very interesting things to say. There was one thing however that stood out to me. Whenever she spoke, she would often not look me in the eye. She simply kept glancing around the room as if to see who else was there. When I started to notice this, I kept a mental note to see how often she would look me in the eye when she spoke. What I noticed was that she probably looked at me for no more than 20% of the time she spoke.  She did however look right at me whenever I spoke, but the fact that she did not look me in the eye when she spoke began to grate on me a little when it came to the respect department.

Without meaning to, I began to feel a little distrustful of the person. We made an appointment to get together over coffee and yet she did not appear to have the same expectation as me for the meeting. Whether it was truthful or not, that is the feeling that I was getting during our time together and it was resulting all from the lack of eye contact. By the way, based upon my earlier comment about East meets West, this person was born and raised in the West so that wasn’t the reason for the lack of eye contact. During our conversation, she talked about various stories and issues. At times pointing out to me some of the well-known regional leaders who were apparently also having coffee or lunch in the room with us (Note: We were having coffee in a place frequented by many local politicians and community leaders). Sometimes, the topic of discussion involved some of the local leaders who were in the room and so she pointed them out to me during our discussion. Personally, I did not care that the mayor of the city was sitting at the table to my right. Also, I did not care that a well-known author was in the room as well having lunch with a local non-profit leader. The reason I didn’t care was because I usually make it a point to listen and be interested in the conversation I’m having with a person while I’m having it. The young lady and I made an appointment to get together for a particular reason. For me, a person’s time is always valuable and I treat it as such.

Can it be said that she wasn’t interested in the conversation that we were having or in the reason for us getting together over coffee in the first place? That is always open for interpretation. There was no need to say anything to her. What I can say though is that for me the lack of eye contact here defined this conversation and my view of the person in my eyes (no pun intended…or maybe it was ).  

 What are your thoughts on eye-contact?

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We all know there are many great blogs out in the online world of the internet. One of my personal favorites is Guy Kawasaki’s blog. Through his blog, he releases many tidbits of wisdom and knowledge. In addition to being the co-founder of Alltop.com (an “online magazine rack” of popular topics on the web) and the previous “chief evangelist” of Apple, he is also the author of ten books including Enchantment, Reality Check and The Macintosh Way. According to Guy, when it comes to being successful in life, your likeability is a key factor. Regardless of one’s age, nationality, knowledge or experience, how likeable they are will determine how effective they will be in most situations. What are ways in which you can increase your likeability?

When it comes to increasing likeability, Guy Kawasaki has some pretty down to Earth ideas. Below is a chart that he shares in his book Enchantment. I liked it so much I wanted to share it here with you…enjoy!

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This is probably a topic that has been beaten down so much that I’m almost embarrassed to write about it. But I can’t help it. You can tell a lot about a person from the way they shake hands with you. Whether they intend to let you know or not.  How can that be? How do you know if the person doesn’t have a weak hand or some other medical condition preventing them from doing any other type of handshake other than as though you are shaking hands with a piece of tissue paper? Or maybe the person does not know their own strength (which is why I can’t feel my hand for a few minutes after I shake it with him)? How can you really tell a lot about a person by the way they shake hands with you? Read on and I’ll share some thoughts on that very topic…

A New Director, a New Boss

A number of years back, I was working at a large corporation in a department that supported a number of infrastructure areas. There were so many areas being covered by the group that I often wondered why all this responsibility was being placed under one group and not a few groups. Personally I thought there had to be changes coming because sooner or later something was going to break and when it did, it wouldn’t be pretty. Around the same time, the company was beginning to go through some financial difficulties that caused the rumor mill to begin working overtime. What was a main rumor topic? It was, “I hear there is a potential RIF coming!” (RIF = Reduction in Force or staff). This was enough to make many people become a little uneasy about the future of their positions at the company.

Soon after employees started hearing the buzz about a possible RIF, the vice president in charge of the division I was working in hired a new Director to run many of the organizations including mine. Usually when someone comes into a new position of leadership, they want to make their mark in the company. A way they usually do that is by re-organizing the departments.

My team had an opportunity within the next week or so to meet with the new director. During the meeting he told us that he had no intention of performing any re-organizations of the group I was a part of what-so-ever. He was smiling and sounded sincere. At the end of the meeting, when I went to shake his hand, he held my hand in a way and I almost wasn’t even feeling his hand there. It was almost as though he really didn’t want to shake my hand. More interestingly about the handshake was that as soon as I shook his hand, the feeling that this person was insincere and flat out lying to me was the first thing that flashed across my mind. Personally, I was taken completely off guard to the impression I received from him through his handshake. A sense of fear for my job at the time almost automatically came over me. Don’t know why, but it did. There were so many of us in the group that he actually wound up shaking my hand a second time before we left the room. Again, my feeling after the first handshake was re-enforced. After the meeting, many of the people in the department and I in separate meetings were discussing our impressions about the new director. What came out? How he made them feel as they shook hands with him. They all felt the exact same thing I did.

So what happened at that company later on with this new director? Ten days later I come into work to discover this new director has resigned and accepted a position at another company closer to his home. For a person at that level, a new position doesn’t just come about so quickly. There are numerous interviews that occur before an offer is made let alone a formal acceptance and confirmation. For me, that kind of explained the insincere feeling we all received from his handshake. It was pretty clear that this new director had no intention of staying with my company. He was simply buying his time with a paycheck to cover his immediate expenses until a better deal for him came about and there was already something in the works for him before he started with my company.

Types of Handshakes and What They (May) Say About You

Below are some forms of handshakes and what they often say about a person. Please note though that handshake expectation differs depending upon the culture the exchange is occurring in. With that said, the information below is based upon most Western cultures. Even within Western cultures, specific community groups may have their own views on what is proper and what is not for a handshake (e.g. It’s considered rude and completely unacceptable for a man to offer a handshake to a Hasidic Jewish woman if he is not the woman’s husband).

The Lingering Hand Shake: A standard hand shake with an extra few shakes and holding on for just a few seconds. I find this often happens when old friends meet or with a good bye to someone dear. Among business people, it can give a bit of a chance to communicate positive thoughts. Make sure to only do this with someone you know very well or else it can be taken in a completely wrong way.

The Water Pump: Similar to the lingering hand shake. With a water pump handshake, the person gets a hold of you and then they will pump your arm as if they are attempting to pump water out of an old fashioned faucet. Often, a water pumper will pump your hand anywhere from seven to ten times to even fifteen times before they stop. Once they stop pumping, they usually hold onto your hand until you work it out of their grasp. Usually accomplished by pulling away forcefully.

The Push Off: This is when at the end of the handshake your hand is pushed away. It may be subtle but it could be read as a negative message by the person on the receiving end of the push.

The Pull In: The handshakes results in one pulling the other closer. This often speaks of a controlling body language. How would you feel if someone pulled you closer to them while shaking your hand?

The Superior: If offered first palm down, it indicates superiority. It is the body language of a controlling person.

The Lesser: If offered first, palm up, it could indicate humility and that a person is there to serve.

The Finger Cruncher: Rather than grabbing across the palm, the fingers are grabbed and crushed. Is it sporty to give pain someone else a little pain during a handshake? This one can be painful. The person who does the finger cruncher will say they can’t judge their own strength but if you pay attention, note that they won’t do this while shaking a woman’s hand.

The Bone Cruncher: Much like the finger cruncher, the same vice like grip is around the hand. Enough said. Please see comment to the Finger Cruncher above.

The Palm Pincher: This is usually from a woman, and only a few fingers and thumb grasp the palm for the shake. This is actually the norm for a woman in some cultures. If a man shook your hand this way, it could be taken as being from a person who does not want to shake hands with you. Insincerity can often pop into a person’s head when a man shakes hands this way.

The Twister: This may start off as a normal shake but ends up with one twisting and putting the other on top. Sometimes a person is meaning to show warmth of empathy with this type of handshake, but quite often it’s interpreted to show a person to be of a controlling personality. Especially if it is incorporated with a pull in by the shaking hand prior to the other hand going on top. This type of handshake can also be seen as intrusive, or simply too personal.

The Dead Fish: This is one of my least favorites of all! It’s a cold, unemotional, sometimes wet shaking of hands. It is basically the definition of complete indifference towards the person they are shaking hands with. (Note: There are times when the person giving a “dead fish” type handshake may have a physical aiment giving them an inability to grip a person’s hand any stronger.)

The Left Handed Shake: Those that give a left-handed handshake are seen as at the very least a little strange and at the most as down-right insulting. To some people it’s as bad as spitting in their face. Want to know why? In some cultures, you wipe your backside with your left hand. In many western cultures this is seen as a sign of complete disrespect to the other person so why would you do it in the first place.

There are just a few of the different types of handshakes out there. What are some comments or examples of handshakes that you’ve seen and experienced?

Cheers!

Gil

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Sometimes you have to choose between staying in touch with a person and rarely ever connecting. There are many people I’ve met who will say, “Let’s get together for lunch or coffee”. Maybe even meet up on a Friday or a Saturday night at a regional club or restaurant. What’s funny though about some of these people is that unless you call them, you never hear from them. Oh, they do respond to an email, text or phone call. But unless you’re the one initiating the connection, a long time will go by without an ounce of evidence that they even know you. What’s up with that??

Was It Something I Said or Something You Said?

It can really be amazing when a person asks you to get together for lunch or something of the sort and then they “only” expect YOU to contact them. True meaningful relationships are always a two way street. Now there will always be times when one person becomes so busy that they don’t reach out to anyone, and yes I’ve been guilty of that many times. But, when you notice a person is always expecting you to call them, that can say something entirely different and that’s when you may need to re-analyze the relationship you have with that person.  

The other day I was at an event where I ran into a person that I’ve known for a few years. That person is looking for new employment opportunities because he knows he is going to be laid off in a couple of months. What’s odd is that he’s known this for a few months already – Yes, I can just here the people out there reading this post who may just have been laid off themselves without notice saying, “I wish someone had told me a few months back that I was going to be laid off!”…unfortunately, this person’s situation is not the norm when it comes to layoffs and unemployment. The reason that I say that this was odd was because I had into this same person a couple of months earlier. It was then when he told me that he was looking for other opportunities, not at the current event we were both attending. A couple of months back, he told me that he wanted to touch base with me over lunch or coffee to ask me some advice and see if I had any lead or ideas about possible opportunities that may be out there. Since that other event a couple of months ago, he never reached out to me to see if we could set something up. What does that say?  Hey, maybe there is something that he is not saying about what he thinks of me? Maybe he is just forgetful? Maybe he’s really not serious about what he said a couple of months back when he told me he was looking for a new opportunity?…I really can’t say the reason. What I can say is that in all relationships, the communication and more importantly the “initiation of communication” needs to be a two way street.

Should You Be the Initiator…Always?

Should you always be the person to initiate a conversation or meeting between friends all the time? Some say yes, some say no, other’s say, “Does it really matter?” On that last one, I say it does to a point. It all depends upon what you think of that person and if they are really someone you want to dedicate a portion of your time to. Even if that portion is only getting together for coffee or lunch, which is time that you could be doing something else. Time is a precious asset in a person’s life. Is it for you? I’m not really going to give you or anyone an answer to that last question because it’s really up to you if you want to keep up a relationship with that person.

What Say You?

This is always the interesting part…asking for other’s opinions. What can you really say about people who always say they want to connect with you but unless you initiate the connection, you never hear from them. How would that make you feel after a while when you realize that, unless you make the effort to reach out to someone, you never hear from them?  I say again, true relationships are always a two way street. True relationships, true friendships, are always a two way street. What say you?

…Cheers!

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Networking or Anti-Networking, which one should you do? It all depends upon the results you want.  Burning Bridges Before Being Built is also known as the “Anti-networking process of the 5B’s”and it seems to be affecting more and more people today than ever before.  Ok, I don’t have any scientific study that would substantiate my last statement, but it seems like that recently with some individuals. 

Anti-networking is exactly as it sounds. It’s what people do whenever they want to breakdown or destroy their network. The biggest irony is that most, if not all, people who do anti-networking are not aware that they are doing it. Sometimes they believe they are actually networking rather than anti-networking. Go figure!

When meeting someone new at a function or networking event, my main goal is to sincerely get to know them. I make it a point to never make any assumptions about a person until I’ve had a chance to speak with them. Note that I say speak “with” them instead of speak “to” them. There is a difference.

“Every man is my superior in that I may learn from him.“
– Thomas Carlyle

What are the chances that someone I’ve just met is someone that I have a superior intellect over? Or is someone that has a less experience than me in a particular field? Or is simply someone I don’t care to associate with?  I can easily say that unless I speak with them, there is no way for me to truly answer that question. 

I’m Graduating with my MBA this Week!

I was fortunate enough to have been invited to a party a few weeks ago at a friends place in mid Connecticut. It was a really nice time. Met many new people and had a lot of nice thoughtful conversations. There was one person who told me they were graduating the coming weekend and that they were finishing up their MBA. It turns out that she was graduating from my Alma Mata! I said that that was wonderful and I proceeded to congratulate her on her accomplishment. I also mentioned that I graduated from the same school. She said thanks and proceeded to tell me how happy she was with having completed her degree. The next 20 minutes was basically listening to her telling me how proud she was that she had her MBA and what she was going to do now that she had it. She told me how she was going to be connecting with different business people to see where she can land a new job. I listened attentively, nodding my head every now and again to let her know that I was still listening and paying attention. What was funny to me was that I never said more than probably five words to her in those twenty minutes. She really didn’t give me much of a chance to and she appeared to not care about anything I had to say. She was so excited about graduating and getting her degree that she kept talking and talking and talking. No problem there because I was sincerely interested in what she was saying.

After she was done talking about her plans and all, she proceeded to say “it was nice to meet you. Excuse me” and walk away. Hmm…that was odd. The next thing I see is her starting a conversation with someone else. “OK”, I thought to myself. “Did I say something wrong?” How could I have, I really didn’t have much of a chance to say anything at all. No matter, I mentally shrugged my shoulders and proceeded to enjoy the party. This person was happy to be graduating with her MBA and she was looking forward to connecting with people to see where she could land a new job.  “Good for her!” I thought, and I wished her luck.

Be Careful What You Wish For

There was an event a couple of weeks after the party that was being put on by a local young professionals and entrepreneur organization that I belong to. The event was a networking slash promotion event promoting the opening of a new burger take out restaurant at a local food court. It was well attended and I ran into many people that I knew already. It just so happened that I also ran into the same girl from the party I attended a couple of weeks earlier. This time however, she didn’t say hello to me and almost pretended to not know me. No problem I said and I proceeded to say hello to her by name. She looked at me and proceeded to act as though she didn’t know me. OK…no problem. She apparently didn’t want to acknowledge that we had spoken before. “I wonder why?” I thought to myself. No matter, it’s always my choice whether I choose to enjoy an event or not. You may think that she was being rude (and of course she was) but it takes a lot more than that to make me not enjoy a public event. Life is simply too short. You can’t always control what happens to you but you can always control how you react to what happens.

One thing that will stay in my mind though is how she acted with me at this event. She’s just someone I met once at a party a couple of weeks earlier but she just made a negative impression on me and that will stay in my memory. For whatever reason, she burned a bridge before it was even built. At the party from a couple of weeks earlier, she said she was looking forward to networking with people to see where she could land a new job. “How funny is that”, I thought to myself. This very week a colleague of mine was telling me that they had a couple of management positions available and that he was looking for someone with fresh ideas. Maybe someone who just got their MBA would be a good fit. What a pity…I thought I may have known someone, and I may have been able to make a connection for that someone who was looking as they had told me they were, but that person decided that I wasn’t worth her time to continue the connection with. A classic anti-networking scenario. Why burn bridges before they’re built? You never really know how someone you just met may be able to help you out with something important either directly or indirectly. You never really know how someone you just met may just be a person who will resort to blocking you from success in something (all because of the way you made them feel). The one person you inadvertantly alienate may be the one person you need to meet. Worst yet, why create an enemy of someone you don’t even know. If there was ever a recipe for foolishness, this would most definitely be among the ingredients.

What are your thoughts on the above story? What are your thoughts on networking? Inquiring minds want to know…Cheers!

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